Nerd @ 190

Posts

Trigger

This week, I was surprise triggered (which is how most triggers work) by a book I read. PTSD is strange like that, triggers come out of no where sometimes. Innocuous things become terrifying. One of my biggest triggers in the past had been wrapping paper. The sight, the sound, the feel of wrapping paper would leave me in a panic. Heart racing, legs unsteady, breath catching in my chest and thoughts flying through my mind like humming birds on fire. Just because of the sight of a little wrapping paper. I'd been struggling with the wrapping paper this year, and had my husband open a gift for me at white elephant (the one gift I had wrapping on this year). The paper was the worst that it's been in years. With this in mind, it doesn't shock me that I'd have some extra triggers that I wasn't aware of ahead of time. I was very unprepared for a children's book to send me into a panic. Neil Gaiman's Fortunately the Milk is an entertaining book. There is fas

2019

Looking back on a year is something that I've managed to do every year since I was 14. I sat in my best friend Angelica's house, just having come back inside from the street after watching fireworks at midnight. I wrote in my journal a review of what school I went to, who my friends were, what I thought on the year past, and what I wanted in the year ahead. My records of these things were constantly changing each year, as I moved around and my health seemed to change. In adulthood, things are much more stable. My friends remain the same, I don't move as often and each year passes without me being "successful" at becoming "healthy." 2019 was a little bit different, I made a lot of changes in my health and I'm moving into 2020 working on accepting where I'm at instead of changing it. That doesn't mean I won't make an effort to continue to be healthier. I do want to exercise more, eat better, be consistent in self care, and show co

Chronic pain

As you are aware, I'm dealing with chronic pain. It's very rare for me to have a day that I wake up with no pain. The last few days I've woken up with some very difficult migraines. I'm trying to manage my pain and returning to work. I'm not always sure that I'm managing my pain in the best way possible. I do what I can, but there is a constant struggle and I have very little hope that it will ever become easier. This week I missed a training because I didn't think about it and was staying away from screens. (My training was online.) I want to do better and be consistent, and it's hard. The Chronic Pain and Illness Workbook for Teens by Rachel Zoffness is straight forward, combines scientific reasoning with clear explanations. I really appreciate the exercises. They are easy to follow along with and comfortable for teenagers. I believe this book will be truly helpful for many people. I know it's helpful for me.

Emotional Education

The first step in a majority of the therapy I provide for clients is recognizing and expressing emotions. Especially with children, this is the most important thing that I do. If someone were to leave my therapy sessions, the thing I would want them to take away is that their emotions are okay. Sometimes, knowing that your emotions are valid is a struggle, it's something to be constantly mindful of. Did you stop feeling angry because there is nothing to be angry about or because someone told you "angry doesn't do anything"? Did you stop being afraid or anxious because "worrying gets you no where" or was it because there is no longer anything to fear? It's easy to be dismissive of emotions. "I'm being silly." "Big people don't cry." It's even easier to listen to the people that dismiss your emotions for you. "Oh my god, why are you crying." "It's not that big of a deal" "Just let it

Vaginal Health

There are things that don't get covered in the appointments about beginning menopause. I think that the doctor leaves a lot of those things for the menopause support group. Which is weird. Like, shouldn't I get medical information from my medical provider? Don't they continually ask that I not ask google about what's happening to my body, and instead speak to the medical professionals? Yet no one told me that my sweat would change. No one said that my migraines would be almost unidentifiable from my previous migraines. No one told me hot flashes happen more in cold weather. It's a million other things that were left unmentioned or unknown. Vaginal health is something not even doctors talk about as much as it's needed. In part this lack of communication is because of knowledge. No one knew how my migraines would be impacted by my hysterectomy, or my depression and anxiety. The other piece is that women's health is somehow taboo and left out of res

Waxing and Waning

I've continued to struggle with my depression. I'm going to see a new psychiatric nurse soon. It's challenging for me to discuss medications, as there are so many that I take for different reasons that can be used for different reasons. Those medications often impact each other and change how the medications impact me. Right now I'm wanting to change my sleep medication because I can't seem to lose the weight that I put on when I started taking that medication. My feelings towards medication are often waxing and waning. Sometimes, I feel good about what my medications are doing for me and how my life is made better by the amazing miracle that is modern science. Other times, I'm frustrated by the difficulty that is buying, organizing, and taking my medications. I'm angry that the medications don't get rid of the problems (Get rid of the pain, or make it so I can drive). I'm sad that my health is so that I have to take so many medications. M