Friday, October 12, 2018

Pile of dead kids

Yesterday, I said I was thankful for my therapist.  Honestly I am not sure that I am thankful.  EMDR therapy is the right kind for me, it is working in an expansion of what I believe.  Yet I don't want to deal with the past memories that we are going to be looking at.  They suck. I am unsure if it is me holding back or maybe she really sucks.
I am so triggered being back in Spokane and in this house.  It feels like I am walking through memories sometimes.  Today I keep thinking about a bunch of dead kids.  They used to be my friends or clients I worked with, but at some point as I kept getting older and they didn't, those friends and clients became kids.  Worse than that, they became dead kids just chilling in my mind.  I say pile of dead kids because it is rare that only one comes up in my mind at a time.   If one starts coming into my memory (even a positive memory) another one comes,  Until I end up with all of these dead kids in my mind. 
I know that this is my PTSD and depression but those kids come with a lot of should haves and could haves.  I have these dead kids and a ton of guilt about how those kids might have grown up if I had only done something else.  I think about what they would be doing now if I had done the thing  that stopped them from killing themselves.  If I was smarter, stronger, louder, kinder or just plain better they would be grown ass adults thinking back on how they made it through the hardest times.  It isn't really true, but that is what I feel.
Today I am trying to be better for those dead kids. I miss them. Sometimes the best I can do is not kill myself, and thats okay because it is better than if I did.  I am pushing to be even better today; I want to show myself the smarts strength and kindness I didn't get to show those dead kids.

Thursday, October 11, 2018

Thankful Thursday Falling

This Thursday I'm thankful for my ever growing team of doctors.
I have  an OB working with me to begin menopause, a great straiightforward psychiatrist, a nuero referral, and an EMDR therapist.
I am thankful my mom makes tasty dinners
I am thankful for fall and how much like home the weather feels. 
I am thankful for lindor holiday chocolate that is deliciously minty.
I am thankful for better even when it sucks.

Saturday, October 6, 2018

Books for a start.

One of the things that makes it really obvious that I am feeling well is books.  If I feel good, I read at least one book per week.  I was down the last week with a bad migraine. Because I’ve felt rather not well, I haven’t written reviews for any books recently. 
What follows is a batch of reviews because I’m behind.
The Last Blackstone Dragon by Alicia Montgomery: This was a decent book with one fatal flaw stopping it from being a great book.  The world was created well with a few specific changes from your average dragon fantasy.  The erotica was part of the story, not something that stood out as separate.  There are several time jumps in Blackstone dragon, and each one feels like you are lurched forward.  It truly interrupts the flow of the book.  Also, instead of character development, the growing and changing of a person’s opinions and feelings over time, we get time jumps that come with brief explanations of change.  I have no interest in continuing this series.

The Change by Teyla Branton: This is an enjoyable book.  There are amazing descriptions of the special powers.  Especially  the concept of emotion transfer is described beautifully.  The entire world and the rules of this world really drew me in.  I felt like I was there.  The one disappointing thing is that this book moves very quickly, taking away from backstory of the characters, and I felt it was too short.

Gifted by Liz Long: This was extremely enjoyable book.  I was drawn in from the beginning.  There is great action and erotica that helps to build the plot. Characters are developed though out the book making them very loveable.  Also, there is a slow but strong revelation of secrets that will keep you reading until the end.

Jackson by Alisa Woods:  This is a very exciting book.  Action and erotica keep the book moving.  Everything is exciting and fast, then it ends very suddenly.  I felt like I was moving along and completely hooked only to come to a very abrupt stop. 
Eternally bound by Brenda K. Davies: This was enjoyable book.  Probably the best thing about this book as a paranormal romance novel is that you know you are getting the fated couple trope from the title; there is no need to hope you will get something else. There are also strong characters that show purpose and change.  The erotica scenes are long and fit into the story.  There is also equally described bloody action that helps to build plot.
 Hopeless by Melissa Hagg: This is an intriguing book.  The characters are what create an amazing draw.  I really stuck with the book because there are secrets laid out from the very beginning and I was digging for the answers until the end.  There is amazing description of action that keeps the plot moving.   In the end I was left wanting more and excited to read the next book in the series.

To keep up with my reviews, follow me on Goodreads or Amazon.

Thursday, September 27, 2018

Thankful Thursday

Today I am thankful for enough motivation coming to bring me back to writing.
I am thankful for old friends.
I am thankful for my husband helping to take care of me when I cannot take care of myself.
I am thankful for depression being accuratly represented on TV.
I am thankful for doctor taking steps to move me forward.

 I have been gone for a while.  I am coming back out of necessity.  Rather than continue with my health journey leading towards a better me, my health journey has lead me to be jobless because I none of my efforts allowed me to work full time (and get bills paid).  I am living in the basement of  my childhood home with my husband and two dogs.  Upstairs, my mother and her husband live.  My mother is never supposed to be alone due to her health.   I am without the motivation to actually be a help to my ailing mother because my depression and migraines are winning.  Which means that i ate sweets pretending it was meals and my mother ate apples.  This is not my successful life story.

I am going to begin menopause soon, as induced by a medication, to see if that will help or hurt my experience with PMDD, ovarian cysts, premenstrual migraines, and irregular menses.  This blog will capture my new health journey through EMDR therapy and menopause.

Thursday, October 16, 2014

Thankful Thursday grief bubble

I am thankful to be almost through one of the most trying years of my existence.
I am thankful for coworkers that stand up for me.
I am thankful for making an impact on others.
I am thankful for my amazing boyfriend.
I am thankful for my siblings.
I am thankful for knowing I can survive.

Friday, September 12, 2014

#InvisibleIllnessAwarenessWeek #FitspoFriday

30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know

1. The illness I live with is: Chronic Migraines, Asthma, Some undiagnosed thing, depression
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 2005 (ofish-fish 2007), 1995, 2014?,
3. But I had symptoms since: 2000, ever, 2000
4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: medications every day, avoiding foods I enjoy, dark days
5. Most people assume: That because I take preventative medicines I don't have any issues
6. The hardest part about mornings are: Checking in with my pain levels and breathing to see if I can do what I want to. Sometimes, convincing myself that what I enjoy is worth getting out of bed.
7. My favorite medical TV show is: Grey's Anatomy
8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: my cell phone
9. The hardest part about nights are: Nightmares I get from meds.
10. Each day I take __ pills & vitamins. (No comments, please) 12 types, 19 actual pills
11. Regarding alternative treatments I: can't afford the ones I want
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: invisible. It's difficult to get help, but I know I miss out on a lot of other difficulties.
13. Regarding working and career: I'm afraid I'll have to give them up.
14. People would be surprised to know: how many symptoms I'm struggling with on an average work day.
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: keeping boundaries other people don't need to, and don't always understand.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: my job.
17. The commercials about my illness: are much faster than real time allows. "Take this pill, seconds later no pain, no depression."
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: eating tomatoes. Never canceling on people.
19. It was really hard to have to give up: tomatoes
20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: nothing
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: work a double. One where i go outside, wear my hair in a pony tail the whole time, type up the notes, and go out to drinks- bloody mary's- with my coworkers.
22. My illness has taught me: to find acceptance and everyone's reality is different.
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: "you can too."
24. But I love it when people: Give me the support I ask for.
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: wear it like armor
26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: You're not doing something wrong when you take care of yourself.
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: That I can be loved.
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: Bring me coffee, a hamburger and Watch my shows with me in the dark.
29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: it's fitspo to help others.
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: hopeful.

Thankful Thursday 9/11/14

dafsfd I am thankful for my dad, and all the times he was there for me.
I am thankful for my work and that good I can do.
I am thankful for the breath of children.
I am thankful for our police and firefighters
I am thankful for the Marines and Navy
I am thankful that the feeling in my gut that shows up when I see 9/11 written down passing another year.
I am thankful for my family.
I am thankful for Pumpkin Spice flavoring.
I am thankful for all the letters I can sign after my name.
I am thankful for amazing coworkers I can depend on.