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Pile of dead kids

Yesterday, I said I was thankful for my therapist.  Honestly I am not sure that I am thankful.  EMDR therapy is the right kind for me, it is working in an expansion of what I believe.  Yet I don't want to deal with the past memories that we are going to be looking at.  They suck. I am unsure if it is me holding back or maybe she really sucks.
I am so triggered being back in Spokane and in this house.  It feels like I am walking through memories sometimes.  Today I keep thinking about a bunch of dead kids.  They used to be my friends or clients I worked with, but at some point as I kept getting older and they didn't, those friends and clients became kids.  Worse than that, they became dead kids just chilling in my mind.  I say pile of dead kids because it is rare that only one comes up in my mind at a time.   If one starts coming into my memory (even a positive memory) another one comes,  Until I end up with all of these dead kids in my mind. 
I know that this is my PTSD and depression but those kids come with a lot of should haves and could haves.  I have these dead kids and a ton of guilt about how those kids might have grown up if I had only done something else.  I think about what they would be doing now if I had done the thing  that stopped them from killing themselves.  If I was smarter, stronger, louder, kinder or just plain better they would be grown ass adults thinking back on how they made it through the hardest times.  It isn't really true, but that is what I feel.
Today I am trying to be better for those dead kids. I miss them. Sometimes the best I can do is not kill myself, and thats okay because it is better than if I did.  I am pushing to be even better today; I want to show myself the smarts strength and kindness I didn't get to show those dead kids.

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