Thankful Thursday

It's been a difficult week. Rough days at work, canceled plans, and migraine days. I honestly have the hardest time being thankful and okay when spending several days sitting in the dark doing almost nothing.

Yet, I still have a lot to be thankful for.

Thankful for fandoms, the one thing I can do is watch my shows and experience the joy.
Thankful for Pinterest. I found some simple activities and distraction.
Thankful for meditation, which is always able to get me back to where I want to be.
Thankful for my sister, always able to hear me out.
Thankful for minimal spasms and tremors during these last few days. I was able to do some dishes, get a little sleep, and pick up.

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Pile of dead kids

Yesterday, I said I was thankful for my therapist. Honestly I am not sure that I am thankful. EMDR therapy is the right kind for me, it is working in an expansion of what I believe. Yet I don't want to deal with the past memories that we are going to be looking at. They suck. I am unsure if it is me holding back or maybe she really sucks. I am so triggered being back in Spokane and in this house. It feels like I am walking through memories sometimes. Today I keep thinking about a bunch of dead kids. They used to be my friends or clients I worked with, but at some point as I kept getting older and they didn't, those friends and clients became kids. Worse than that, they became dead kids just chilling in my mind. I say pile of dead kids because it is rare that only one comes up in my mind at a time. If one starts coming into my memory (even a positive memory) another one comes, Until I end up with all of these dead k...

Sitting down

I've started this blog entry four times this week. First, I was going to tell you about being shiny with my goals. I was all about tracking and support. Those tools are really helpful and I was doing quite well. I had the post all typed out, then I got fired. In the rest of the week, things got a little off track. There are days this week where I didn't track my progress. I didn't eat according to the plan each day. I didn't complete my full workout each day. There was even a day where I didn't take my medications. Knowing that getting off my medications for a day usually leads to migraines, why would I do that? Why would I ever skip my exercises when my knees hurt less if I do them? Why wouldn't I move around every hour knowing that I'm at risk for blood clots and strokes? Why would I eat a tub of french fries to make me feel better? As I got stuck this week, I kept asking myself those whys. It seems like a labyrinth I'll never escape someti...

#LoveYourBodyChallenge

I began participating in Molly Galbraith's love your body challenge. It's been truely wonderful to spend some time focusing on the good my body does. It is pretty easy when I'm being sick to focus on the bad. It's very easy to be mad at and to hate my body. The reality is that my hormones (depression and migraines) were being regulated by some pills. I've come to face the reality that my body doesn't accept birthcontrol as an answer to these problems very long. For the 3rd birthcontrol in a row I noticed that I hit a certain point and I can no longer depend on regulation. It isn't the end of the world, but it makes reality, positivity, and thankfulness more difficult to find. I've been in pain more days than not recently. I find myself unsure of the last full day I went without any pain in my knees, lungs, or head. I'm hopeful to find more soon. I've been doing great work with the mantras from the Love Your Body Challenge. I'm fi...

Nerd @ 190

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