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Pile of dead kids

Yesterday, I said I was thankful for my therapist.  Honestly I am not sure that I am thankful.  EMDR therapy is the right kind for me, it is working in an expansion of what I believe.  Yet I don't want to deal with the past memories that we are going to be looking at.  They suck. I am unsure if it is me holding back or maybe she really sucks. I am so triggered being back in Spokane and in this house.  It feels like I am walking through memories sometimes.  Today I keep thinking about a bunch of dead kids.  They used to be my friends or clients I worked with, but at some point as I kept getting older and they didn't, those friends and clients became kids.  Worse than that, they became dead kids just chilling in my mind.  I say pile of dead kids because it is rare that only one comes up in my mind at a time.   If one starts coming into my memory (even a positive memory) another one comes,  Until I end up with all of these dead k...
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Starting the Journey

If there is one good thing about moving, it's that when you make a move you have to make a lifestyle change.  So, why not make another?  I'm going to get healthy! Actually, I'm not.  I've love to say the journey we're starting now leads to getting healthy, but the reality is a little different.  Part of the journey you're joining me on is to find a lot of acceptance around that simple fact. I feel a bit Bilbo about this whole thing.  Halfway through my journey towards healthy, I got an awesome treasure, and it came with some super cool effects.  It also came with a huge downside. My treasure isn't a ring that lets me be invisible and links me up with a rather terrifying evil.  My treasure is a series of diagnoses; they give me the power of treatments and mean that I can't be healthy.  I've been diagnosed with migraine with aura, elevated blood pressure, menstrual migraine, patellofemoral pain syndrome, irregular menses, prementrual d...
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Sitting down

I've started this blog entry four times this week. First, I was going to tell you about being shiny with my goals. I was all about tracking and support. Those tools are really helpful and I was doing quite well. I had the post all typed out, then I got fired.  In the rest of the week, things got a little off track. There are days this week where I didn't track my progress. I didn't eat according to the plan each day. I didn't complete my full workout each day.  There was even a day where I didn't take my medications.  Knowing that getting off my medications for a day usually leads to migraines, why would I do that?  Why would I ever skip my exercises when my knees hurt less if I do them?  Why wouldn't I move around every hour knowing that I'm at risk for blood clots and strokes? Why would I eat a tub of french fries to make me feel better? As I got stuck this week, I kept asking myself those whys.  It seems like a labyrinth I'll never escape someti...
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