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I laugh in the face of Death (and Carrie Fisher's last book)

I find death and other horribly traumatic things to be funny. 

I believe a big part of the reason I find them to be funny is that, true story, when I am asked to describe my life, I describe it as generally positive and myself as constantly moving forward towards happy goals.  The funny part of this, is when you ask me to describe things in my life, I say "nothing too bad"  then proceed to watch shocked faces as we get into the nitty gritty details. 
That happens to be a significant piece of my challenge with the "targets" session of EMDR I previously described.  When I tell someone "Oh, nothing too bad"  then proceed to list off things all the things, the professional person I'm speaking to stops being professional and starts to get confused.  They ask questions: "how did that happen in elementary school? That a thing?  Um, how many cutters?  He jumped off a what?  You were almost shot?   Did you say they attempted... no completed suicide. Wait, how many?  Murdered... ok. Hit by a train? Ya, and you forgot about being sick." 
So, I find it funny.  The horrible awful things, and the shocked face. They're funny because otherwise it's rather terrifying.  It was not great shocking the adults with tales of woe as a child, not great looking at disappointed faces when my tiny young body was giving out, and it remains not great to shock people whose literal job is to hear all of the worst things in peoples lives. Not great, but really funny. I've checked with professional comedians, that is the definition of funny.

 I've just finished reading "The Princess Diarist" by Carrie Fisher.  It was funny and now I'm crying.  One of the things that makes this book the most exciting for Star Wars fans (which I am in the vaguest sense of the word) is that it has actual excerpts from the diary her 19 year old self kept during the filming of New Hope.  She is witty and open.  If a memoir is going to be about a certain thing in a person's life, this is about Carrie being Leia and Leia being Carrie.  There are insights and stories that haven't been told before.  There are small moments of outrage and sadness and great joy. 
One of the things I found the funniest was Carrie talking about death.  She shared stories so that no one else could after she died.  Her 19 year old self said that if anyone read that journal after she passed she would feel ashamed.  I laughed, because she did die and thus, it was ironic.  (Not in the Alannis Morriset way, it is, by definition, Dramatic Irony. )  It wasn't meant to be ironic, there was no way she knew it would be her last book. Yet, it was and I laughed so much I put the book down and told my mother. 

Some laugh to keep from crying.  I just laugh before I cry.  I had the strangest panic attacks, ones as a child where I would cry and cry until I couldn't cry any more for "no reason." Then, as a teen, ones where I would laugh and laugh until I was choking and coughing.  Laughing at death may be easier than crying, but I never do stick with it. 

At the end of the book it was awful, because being done with the book meant that Carrie would no longer be with me and, as with all great loves, I never wanted her to leave. 

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