I began participating in Molly Galbraith's love your body challenge. It's been truely wonderful to spend some time focusing on the good my body does. It is pretty easy when I'm being sick to focus on the bad. It's very easy to be mad at and to hate my body. The reality is that my hormones (depression and migraines) were being regulated by some pills. I've come to face the reality that my body doesn't accept birthcontrol as an answer to these problems very long. For the 3rd birthcontrol in a row I noticed that I hit a certain point and I can no longer depend on regulation. It isn't the end of the world, but it makes reality, positivity, and thankfulness more difficult to find.
I've been in pain more days than not recently. I find myself unsure of the last full day I went without any pain in my knees, lungs, or head. I'm hopeful to find more soon.
I've been doing great work with the mantras from the Love Your Body Challenge. I'm finding myself more open to the possibilities of my body. I want to share with you my mantras for the first 7 days.
Now, I want to remind you my depression is running wild so making me cry and welcome self pity is easier than opening my eyes. I'm sitting down with an ice pack on my knees and my head, and not for the first time this week. I am not moving freely; that isn't a privilege my body gives. There are days it chooses to, and I am thankful for those. I try to remember most don't have the opportunity to be reminded of what a blessing getting out of bed can be. I know that it's not a blessing I'll always have. I try to keep in mind that I am lucky. I have an understanding of the gift of walking and sunlight that others do not. That understanding comes with the price that, for right now, that mantra is a lie and I cannot repeat that lie. I will hold on to it for a day when I can move freely. I know that day is around a corner waiting for me.
I'm not freely moving now, but I was able to move around earlier. I was on a bike for 30 minutes. I could pick up my nephew when I walked in the door of his house. (He doesn't say hello, he runs and jumps.) I could carry my niece, and help her practice walking. I could cry about what I can't do now, but I'd rather be thankful for what I could do. My head is hurting, but I can still type and that is blessing. My head doesn't hurt so much that I can't travel to Westros and find out who dies next (I'm about 200 pages into a Feast For Crows- NO SPOILERS PLEASE!) I hate this pain. I can find myself slipping into a place where I hate me and want to die. That is the depression talking, because I know I LOVE MY BODY and until I can freely move again I'll have Brienne of Tarth move for me.
Please go indulge in the #LoveYourBodyChallenge
I've been in pain more days than not recently. I find myself unsure of the last full day I went without any pain in my knees, lungs, or head. I'm hopeful to find more soon.
I've been doing great work with the mantras from the Love Your Body Challenge. I'm finding myself more open to the possibilities of my body. I want to share with you my mantras for the first 7 days.
- My body is my home. It's the only place I have to live I will treat it with the respect it deserves.
- I am capable to working at that's awesome. In fact, I am capable of anything I set my mind to, that I am willig to work for.
- I am strong enough to fangirl at concerts and at cons.
- My existence is a miracle. I am not here by accident. My life has purpose and meaning, and that purpose and meaning is to create and give.
- I am beautiful inside and out and I feel especially beautiful when I put myself somewhere celebrating my fandoms.
- I love my body. It may not be 100% perfect, but it's served me well and it deserves love and compassion.
- I love my body. it has the ability to bring me immense pleasure in many ways if I can slow down to recognize it.
Now, I want to remind you my depression is running wild so making me cry and welcome self pity is easier than opening my eyes. I'm sitting down with an ice pack on my knees and my head, and not for the first time this week. I am not moving freely; that isn't a privilege my body gives. There are days it chooses to, and I am thankful for those. I try to remember most don't have the opportunity to be reminded of what a blessing getting out of bed can be. I know that it's not a blessing I'll always have. I try to keep in mind that I am lucky. I have an understanding of the gift of walking and sunlight that others do not. That understanding comes with the price that, for right now, that mantra is a lie and I cannot repeat that lie. I will hold on to it for a day when I can move freely. I know that day is around a corner waiting for me.
I'm not freely moving now, but I was able to move around earlier. I was on a bike for 30 minutes. I could pick up my nephew when I walked in the door of his house. (He doesn't say hello, he runs and jumps.) I could carry my niece, and help her practice walking. I could cry about what I can't do now, but I'd rather be thankful for what I could do. My head is hurting, but I can still type and that is blessing. My head doesn't hurt so much that I can't travel to Westros and find out who dies next (I'm about 200 pages into a Feast For Crows- NO SPOILERS PLEASE!) I hate this pain. I can find myself slipping into a place where I hate me and want to die. That is the depression talking, because I know I LOVE MY BODY and until I can freely move again I'll have Brienne of Tarth move for me.
Please go indulge in the #LoveYourBodyChallenge
This entry is special to me. The past 2 days I have wanted to curl up in a ball and cry and just stop being. I know its my mental and I need to get a grip on it. I think its mainly because I didn't go to the gym yesterday or this morning. I get so mad at myself when I miss days. It also doesn't help that I am in love with my trainer - which I know happens to a lot of people. This is different as we've known each other since 5th grade. (Also found out he had a crush on me and I didn't know and I had a crush on him at the same time. Stupid youth and shyness).
ReplyDeleteBut I sometimes forget that I am a good person. That I will never be a size zero. That was not my goal. I wanted to be stronger like my idols - Wonder Woman, She Hulk and Red Sonja. I know they're not real but I always looked up to them.
So thank you for sharing this and reminding me that there are others in the world who go through the same mental and physical issues I go through.