Friday, March 28, 2014

Fitspo Friday

This week my inspiration comes from children. I've been really weak while dealing with the spasms that never go away.
The most disappointing moment came when I had to put my niece down not because she wanted to crawl but because my arms were tired.
 I also work with children in a locked psychiatric inpatient home. When you are trying to support someone through recovery, you need energy to spare them. Especially in an environment like the one I work in, getting your body to be physical is important to a strong lasting recovery.
I want to be able to run with the children in my life. I want to move freely with them and celebrate their progress.
My nephew monster loves a good dance party.  I don't want to turn him down because I don't have the energy. The children in my life constantly inspire me to be fit and healthier.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Thankful Thursday

  • I am thankful that Tatay's Gift was funded
  • I am thankful for the concern of friends.
  • I am thankful to be on my way to work. 
  • I am thankful for progressing goals
  • I am thankful my niece continues to explore her world. 
  • I am thankful for the announcement that George Takei will be the Grand Marshall at this year's Seattle Pride parade.  It is very exciting. 
  • I am thankful for my fandoms and IGGPPC. 
  • I am thankful for sound transit

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

My fandoms are always strong.

I turned on teen wolf to see the mourning of a beloved character.  I said out loud to the no one I live with, "I can't do this. I just can't.  I need to fill my water bottles." I  spent the last couple days not doing several things.  I didn't do the love your body challenge.  I couldn't get myself to open my emails.  I don't have a good excuse for that; I don't have a good excuse for a lot. I also haven't done any exercise.  That I have a good excuse for.
I mentioned before that my medications aren't regulating. That means I am experiencing a migraine for over 2 weeks. It's not horrible pain, but it is constant.  The real problem is that after the migraines go on for a while, I start to spasm a lot. My willpower against my depression drops with my every pain. The amount i care about what food i put in my body disappears. Yesterday, I couldn't get the spasms to stop or slow down. I went from bed to couch as many times as my legs would carry me.
I opened up a feast of crows and was thankful to find Brienne of Tarth. I am a fan girl because my fandoms are strong even when I can't be. Brienne is a failure at this point in the series. She says so often, just like me. Yet she carries on and she holds her word. I feel as though she is carrying me off my couch with every step. I can't get up, but Brienne can defeat her failures. I will follow her. (Hopefully not to her death. I should consider a happier fandom.)
I turned Teen Wolf back on today. I am confident they will mourn and battle and win. I will mourn my days I lose to my health battles, the plans I made, and soon I believe I will mourn some hope I've been clinging onto with the tips of my fingers. I will win. I get off the couch, work and follow through, when my body allows. Today Teen Wolf and Brienne will fight for me.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Just a little movement

I decided to do a workout yesterday. This one:
I'm not even 30. So it's pretty easy to look at this DVD as a failure. My body has failed me to the point that I can't do a "real" workout. That's something I struggle with a lot. If I can't do a half hour of cardiovascular workout I ask myself what's the point? A friend said the other day that my hand weights were too light to count. I said no, they count. Yet, the thought keeps creeping in. 
I spent 3 days with a migraine and muscle spasms. It slowed down quite a bit, but after 3 days of spasms I am really sore. Also, because the pain isn't completely gone I am afraid of getting up and making things worse. 
I decided to do my old lady workout and test my body. I felt stupid and called myself names. I considered stopping the video and doing something more "real" at least using a heavier weight since mine didn't count. I didn't.  
At the end of the video I sat down with an ice pack. Less than 10 minutes later I was in tears from the muscle spasms spreading.  I hurt everywhere.  My body was very clear that I don't get a choice in what a "real" workout consists of. A real workout is what I can do in the moment, and can't be defined by someone else. (I do like my doctors advice though. ) it's also important to get in any amount if exercise I can. If I can't get an hour in, I'll take ten minutes. 

Friday, March 21, 2014

Fitspo Friday

There are a lot of people I want to get to know. I want to know more about my grandparents and family history.  I want to know more about my cousins and what they love.  I want to know my niece and nephews more (As they are under the age of five, there is a lot to discover Like how they pronounce my name. )  I also want to know more about Jane Austen, because I haven't read every thing ever written about her.  I want to know more about DBT and neuropsychology.  I want to know more about Dorothy Gale and the Wicked Witch of the West. I want to know more about Sam and Dean Winchester.  I want to know about Captain Kirk.  I want to know about me.
Life is a wonderful journey of self discovery, and there is always more to know about how far I can go, how many tv shows I can watch, how much I can lift, how fast I can move, how many people I can help, how many books I can read and how many concerts I can dance at.  There is so much to learn and I'd like to celebrate all of me.  Being fit means I'll have a life time to discover me.
Discovering yourself isn't always wonderful.  The first time I discovered that my migraines were chronic and my knee pain wouldn't go away, I hated myself. About once a month my depression tells me horrible lies saying that I am unworthy of air and should die.  Yet, I know that as I discover more about myself I have more to give.  I want a fit and healthy me so that I have a full lifetime to see how far I can go despite and because of my illnesses.
Recently, I've had the pleasure of being inspired by the amazing Chloe Lee.  For years, Chloe was a person in my life that was very quiet. Things have changed a lot, and she's celebrating a lot of things lately in ways I never imagined.  It's been wonderful and inspiring to see.  Obvi not everything is perfect as she discovers more about herself, but it doesn't take away from everything she has to embrace and celebrate. As I get to know Chloe more, I get to celebrate with her. It makes me want to celebrate all those things about myself too. It's amazing to be involved with someone learning and celebrating so much.
You can get to know about Chloe on her blog.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Thankful Thursday

  • I am thankful for a lot less pain today than the last couple days. (I'm hopeful for a workout.)
  • I am thankful for a little niece trying to walk even though she just started to crawl.
  • I am thankful for a gorgeous first day of spring. 
  • I am thankful for all the wonderful women in my life.
  • I am thankful for a doctors appointment. 
  • I am thankful for smores. I am not eating them, but I have a plan in the future. Smores are so good. I think I'll make easter smores out of peeps for my nephews. 
  • I am thankful for talks with my best friend
  • I am thankful for debate tournaments always having one inspiring moment. (A girl gave a speech about caring, self esteem and being better. Her teammates came to watch and left when she finished. I glimpsed her at least two month old self harm scars when she adjusted a sleeve. Lovely moment)
  • I am thankful for kids allowing me the privilege of helping tthem clean and playing along with my jokes. They make a choice to trust me at work, and I am thankful every time they do. 

Thursday, March 13, 2014


I am super thankful for my family today.  My uncle has gone out of his way to help me join up with family,  again.

I get to see an aunt I haven't seen in almost 15 years.

I get in person sister time thanks to my father.

I get to spend time with grandparents.  Thankful for every moment I get worth them.

The Woodards have released some extra peeks at Tatay's Gift.

This week was a week of birthdays.  (My mom, my baby brother and oldest friend all have the same birthday.) I am thankful for the distinct pleasure of celebrating their existence in my life.

I am thankful for the #LoveyourBodyChallenge and #IggleFit30DayChallenge both letting me celebrate what my body can do.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014


I began participating in Molly Galbraith's love your body challenge.  It's been truely wonderful to spend some time focusing on the good my body does.  It is pretty easy when I'm being sick to focus on the bad. It's very easy to be mad at and to hate my body.  The reality is that my hormones (depression and migraines) were being regulated by some pills.  I've come to face the reality that my body doesn't accept birthcontrol as an answer to these problems very long.  For the 3rd birthcontrol in a row I noticed that I hit a certain point and I can no longer depend on regulation.  It isn't the end of the world, but it makes reality, positivity, and thankfulness more difficult to find.

I've been in pain more days than not recently.  I find myself unsure of the last full day I went without any pain in my knees, lungs, or head.  I'm hopeful to find more soon. 

I've been doing great work with the mantras from the Love Your Body Challenge. I'm finding myself more open to the possibilities of my body.  I want to share with you my mantras for the first 7 days.
  1. My body is my home. It's the only place I have to live I will treat it with the respect it deserves.
  2. I am capable to working at that's awesome. In fact, I am capable of anything I set my mind to, that I am willig to work for.
  3. I am strong enough to fangirl at concerts and at cons.
  4. My existence is a miracle. I am not here by accident. My life has purpose and meaning, and that purpose and meaning is to create and give.
  5. I am beautiful inside and out and I feel especially beautiful when I put myself somewhere celebrating my fandoms.
  6. I love my body. It may not be 100% perfect, but it's served me well and it deserves love and compassion.
  7. I love my body. it has the ability to bring me immense pleasure in many ways if I can slow down to recognize it. 
It's day 8 now and in reading the mantra for today I began to simply cry.  8, I love my body. It allows me the privilege to move freely and I will take full advantage of that privilige as often as I can.
Now, I want to remind you my depression is running wild so making me cry and welcome self pity is easier than opening my eyes. I'm sitting down with an ice pack on my knees and my head, and not for the first time this week.  I am not moving freely; that isn't a privilege my body gives. There are days it chooses to, and I am thankful for those.  I try to remember most don't have the opportunity to be reminded of what a blessing getting out of bed can be. I know that it's not a blessing I'll always have.  I try to keep in mind that I am lucky.  I have an understanding of the gift of walking and sunlight that others do not. That understanding comes with the price that, for right now, that mantra is a lie and I cannot repeat that lie. I will hold on to it for a day when I can move freely.  I know that day is around a corner waiting for me.
I'm not freely moving now, but I was able to move around earlier. I was on a bike for 30 minutes. I could pick up my nephew when I walked in the door of his house. (He doesn't say hello, he runs and jumps.) I could carry my niece, and help her practice walking. I could cry about what I can't do now, but I'd rather be thankful for what I could do.  My head is hurting, but I can still type and that is blessing. My head doesn't hurt so much that I can't travel to Westros and find out who dies next (I'm about 200 pages into a Feast For Crows- NO SPOILERS PLEASE!) I hate this pain. I can find myself slipping into a place where I hate me and want to die. That is the depression talking, because I know I LOVE MY BODY and until I can freely move again I'll have Brienne of Tarth move for me.

Please go indulge in the #LoveYourBodyChallenge

Friday, March 7, 2014

Fitspo Friday

I am inspired by a lot of people. I think the most inspiring are my cousins. I know, I am so bragging. I will continue to brag for weeks!

I will begin with the Woodards.

Check out Tatay's Gift. I don't have to go any further. I want to be a fit healthy person so that I can be creative and give from myself to others. Tatay's gift is the perfect example of that.

This article shows the amazing (and may I add adorable) the Woodard clan. Do take note of some of the previously awesome and stunning projects.

While being creative is one of the things I can do no matter how bad my illnesses get, it's definitely easier and more consistent when I am well. The hope of creating this kind of amazing and inspiring work is why I want to fit and healthy.

Continue to follow Krystal and Brad's fabulous work here to be equally inspired. Btw, become part of the kickstarter. You know you want to.

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful for my father. He keeps stepping up his dad game, which honestly throws me off a bit. It's kinda great.

I am thankful for my sister.  Always. Best thing.

I am thankful for my best friend Brad.

I am thankful for work. I love supporting those kids, even when they say they don't like me.

I am thankful for the days, minutes and moments where I feel in control of my depression.

I am thankful for my coworker Jason.  He really made my day. He remembers when I have to leave and takes note of the good I am doing. He tells other people. Basically, he is my favorite (which is hella hard to do because we have an awesome staff.)