Nerd @ 190

This week, I was surprise triggered (which is how most triggers work) by a book I read.  PTSD is strange like that, triggers come out of no where sometimes.  Innocuous things become terrifying.  One of my biggest triggers in the past had been wrapping paper. The sight, the sound, the feel of wrapping paper would leave me in a panic. Heart racing, legs unsteady, breath catching in my chest and thoughts flying through my mind like humming birds on fire. Just because of the sight of a little wrapping paper. I'd been struggling with the wrapping paper this year, and had my husband open a gift for me at white elephant (the one gift I had wrapping on this year). The paper was the worst that it's been in years. With this in mind, it doesn't shock me that I'd have some extra triggers that I wasn't aware of ahead of time.  I was very unprepared for a children's book to send me into a panic. Neil Gaiman's Fortunately the Milk is an entertaining book.  There is fas

Looking back on a year is something that I've managed to do every year since I was 14.  I sat in my best friend Angelica's house, just having come back inside from the street after watching fireworks at midnight.  I wrote in my journal a review of what school I went to, who my friends were, what I thought on the year past, and what I wanted in the year ahead.  My records of these things were constantly changing each year, as I moved around and my health seemed to change.  In adulthood, things are much more stable. My friends remain the same, I don't move as often and each year passes without me being "successful" at becoming "healthy."   2019 was a little bit different, I made a lot of changes in my health and I'm moving into 2020 working on accepting where I'm at instead of changing it.  That doesn't mean I won't make an effort to continue to be healthier.  I do want to exercise more, eat better, be consistent in self care, and show co