Friday, August 29, 2014

Thankful Thursday 8/28

I am thankful for my mom and sister.
I am thankful for my boyfriend.
I am thankful for my cousin Drew returning home (and very proud of him). I am thankful for how inspiring he is not only to me, but to my mom and uncle.
I am thankful for hope.
I am thankful for the kids at work.
I am thankful for my amazing coworkers.
I am thankful for compassion, forgiveness and optimism that I can hold onto with minimal effort.
I am thankful for neurologists I believe will provide answers someday.  I am thankful I continue to have this belief and the energy to look for answers.
I am thankful for cough medicine.  Best thing EVER.
I am thankful for upcoming benefits and being able to provide for my spoonie self again.
I am thankful for supervisors that support "I'm gonna throw all your stuff away" sticky notes and emails. (Seriously #blessed)
I am thankful for my MHP and for all the work I've put in leading to another piece of paper that says I don't suck. for realzies.

Monday, August 25, 2014

Divergent Spoons

I am divergent. I am so many things that make up a good person .
I am erudite.  I am reading so much right now thanks to a schedule that prioritizes quiet personal activities.  My bookmark is a photo of my dead dad that popped up in an unopened book a week ago. I'm reading a memoir written for someone else's dead mom and listening to a teenager breathe and her phone battery drain. I mean, and a teenager's music collection. This is exhausting.
The photo popped up last week in a book I never opened before, but had dropped in my bag to read at work. It sat on a pile of things to pay attention to once the kids were asleep. That took a long time since a few of my coworkers (and I) got punched in the head that day.  I was relieved to see a picture of my dad and that I had my migraine that night. Not just any headache, but MY migraine complete with aura and slight nasea. Not a concussion or even broken glasses. (Thanks to years of practice catching glasses at concerts and bending them back after I slept on them.)  After years without the auras, they are back with a vengeance.  On the upside,  I am never going to take birth control again so I don't need to concern myself with the added risks related to my particular brand of annoyance pre migraine.   It's difficult to adjust to the world spinning in a set of strange uninvited colors though. Especially if I'm working; I am adjusting though. I know I got through grad school with rainbow spots streaming across books and papers; I can do this.
I love my job. Being able to work full time is great. I get to connect with the kids and they know when to expect me which makes both of our lives better. We are understaffed, and everyone is working tons of overtime.  I am pushing the importance of my boundaries regularly. No one expresses anger about it, but I am concerned that maybe I'm an asshole. I checked, I'm just chronically I'll (a spoonie). And right now, I keep having enough spoons to take care of things, but the only way to do that is to watch my schedule and to get all bur bur bur about my boundaries.  My supervisor says I'm awesome,  that I do a great job and thanks me for the time i put in. Oddly enough, I got thanked for just being on my shift by three coworkers last week.
My people worry though, there is a delicate balance in what I can and can't do. Every spoon is going into work and I think I am borrowing from my days off to do overtime. I'm teaching these kids self care though. And trying to role model coping skills like adapting your personal style and self care boxes. I'm also just making sure they don't kill themselves in the night. (Or the staff. I like my coworkers and myself most of the time. )
I had to gather up my spoons before work today. I slept in (also reads missed a call from my bestie). I meditated. I ate what someone handed me.  I came into work reminding myself of who I am and why I am here. I have just enough spoons today for a smooth shift. I am dauntless, ready to be brave and protect others from danger. I am abnegation, helping these kids is the most important thing. I am candor, being honest with myself, the staff and the kids about what I can and can't do is amazingly important.  I can be real here with them and I can be real about my spoons. Once I get home and lay down in bed, I don't know when I'll get up again. I got extras, but I don't think I have enough to keep being.

Friday, August 22, 2014

Thankful Thursday 8/22

I am thankful for not-so-bad bad days.
I am thankful for my brother being a good kid.
I am thankful for the man I live with being totes okay with my family coming in and out every day.
I am thankful for my nephew being excited to see my brother.
I am thankful for fall to be just around the corner (Also reads PSL season. so pumped!)
I am thankful for my job. My amazing wonderful job.
I am thankful for my co workers my beyond amazing wonderful co workers.
I am thankful for the youth I work with reminding me about forgiveness, acceptance, and change.
I am thankful for the compassion I hold in my heart. I know it's a gift I am blessed to carry.
I am thankful for boundaries allowing me to stay healthy and safe.
I am thankful for power.
I am thankful for rent.
I am thankful for plans with the people I love.
I am thankful for the pirate store and pike's street market.
I am thankful for every one that loves me.
I am thankful for books. I've read lots of really good ones the last couple weeks. Check out the list on Goodreads.
As a quick follow up highly related to books inspiring me to write, to learn and that I wanted to recommend to dead people:
I am thankful for my dad, Shilo, my great aunt, Great Grandpa, TJ and Mason. I was reminded today how blessed I was to have these people touch my life. I know that they continue to touch my life. I am inspired to be the person they would want me to be, the person I couldn't be, and they can't be.

Friday, August 15, 2014

Fitspo Friday: @WilW

I am a huge fan of honesty, especially when dealing with mood disorders. While mindfulness around your patterns and skills is amazingly helpful, there are some times when you are unable to be prepared. Those are the times when a fit person reaches out for support. Being honest about what is happening with your mental and physical health is one of the best ways to care for yourself. It can help you be mindful and prepared.  It also allows for a support system.  When you are real about impacts, people can help you trouble shoot and learn.

One of the most fitspo people for a healthy life with mental health disorders is Wil Wheaton. He is a successful creator that shares his passions through many forums (Tabletop, Wil Wheaton Project, books).  I am a super fan from back in the Stand By Me days and a later in life initiated trekkie.  So there are dozens of reasons why I fan girl over Wil Wheaton.  There is only one reason I stop breathing when I see him at a con.  Wil Wheaton is a person that reaches for support to handle what he can’t handle alone.  (Read what he wrote here. Read what his wife wrote here.)  He is a person that shares his reality to support others (Read what he wrote here and here).  Most importantly, Wil Wheaton is a person that doesn't let his challenges stop him from creation.  Wil Wheaton has a gorgeous hilarious family, a successful career and an actively challenging mental health disorder.  
I only hope to be as inspiring a person as Wil Wheaton.  I strive to be honest and create not despite, but with my health challenges.  That would make me a truly fit and healthy person.  

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful for my amazing boyfriend.
I am thankful for plans with my brother and sister
I am thankful for so many days with so many spoons.
I am thankful for my great job where I get to do work I love.
I am thankful for coworkers noticing what I do.
I am thankful for coworkers that make huge impacts.
I am thankful for EEG even though it's like torture.
I am thankful for doctors that train people well.
I am thankful for date nights.
I am thankful for amazing far away friend chats.

Friday, August 8, 2014

I am thankful for my brother and sister-in-law.
I am thankful for full time hours
I am thankful for amazing coworkers.
I am thankful for a sister and boyfriend that get that I am trying, she is trying and he is trying.
I am thankful for my nephews and neice.
I am thankful for football.
I am thankful for plans with my sister,  no matter how inconsistent they seem to be.
I am thankful for ice packs, for hot packs and for medications.
I am thankful for pikes place chowder, crab Rangoon and pizza that tastes like new york.
I am thankful for good books and great tv.
I am thankful for my bestie doing amazing awesome things she loves.
I am thankful for my other bestie making plans

Saturday, August 2, 2014

See It Sunday

fitspo friday Sansa Stark

For a long time I contained some harsh feelings towards Sansa stark. I am the middle child, peace keeper among many siblings.  There is nothing more important to me than the survival and happiness of my siblings. I expect others to hold their family is similar regards (unless great harm has been done). As such, Sansa has had some less than acceptable behavior especially towards her little sister. Yet, I find Sansa as she has grown up (in the books and tv show) to be a fitspiration.
To many people it seems that healthy only applies to the physically strong.  Reality is that physical strength is not the end all be all of health. A healthy woman is not just the sister that can fight with the sword  or scheme her way to power. A healthy person can recognize their strengths,  manage their emotions,  admit their flaws and overcome barriers to take care of themselves.
Sansa becomes a strong and healthy person through her growth in the series. Sansa is an inspiration to be the kind of person. I want to be. Sansa manages her emotions as to present her biggest strengths of knowledge and courtesy.  She presents herself as timid when it is helpful and knowledgeable when she can. Her kindness is her survival tool better than any sword could be in her hands. Sansa created a civility and timid manners that got her support, safety,  and manners in return.
Even in the fact that Sansa had to grow to become a strong woman makes her an inspiration.  I strive to be a healthy person that manage my emotions so I can always treat others well. I strive to be a healthy person that uses my knowledge to support others and myself. I want to use the tools I have to survive and support those that need support. Sansa shoes me how to be that healthy person.