Wednesday, March 26, 2014

My fandoms are always strong.

I turned on teen wolf to see the mourning of a beloved character.  I said out loud to the no one I live with, "I can't do this. I just can't.  I need to fill my water bottles." I  spent the last couple days not doing several things.  I didn't do the love your body challenge.  I couldn't get myself to open my emails.  I don't have a good excuse for that; I don't have a good excuse for a lot. I also haven't done any exercise.  That I have a good excuse for.
I mentioned before that my medications aren't regulating. That means I am experiencing a migraine for over 2 weeks. It's not horrible pain, but it is constant.  The real problem is that after the migraines go on for a while, I start to spasm a lot. My willpower against my depression drops with my every pain. The amount i care about what food i put in my body disappears. Yesterday, I couldn't get the spasms to stop or slow down. I went from bed to couch as many times as my legs would carry me.
I opened up a feast of crows and was thankful to find Brienne of Tarth. I am a fan girl because my fandoms are strong even when I can't be. Brienne is a failure at this point in the series. She says so often, just like me. Yet she carries on and she holds her word. I feel as though she is carrying me off my couch with every step. I can't get up, but Brienne can defeat her failures. I will follow her. (Hopefully not to her death. I should consider a happier fandom.)
I turned Teen Wolf back on today. I am confident they will mourn and battle and win. I will mourn my days I lose to my health battles, the plans I made, and soon I believe I will mourn some hope I've been clinging onto with the tips of my fingers. I will win. I get off the couch, work and follow through, when my body allows. Today Teen Wolf and Brienne will fight for me.

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