I've disappeared for a few weeks (again). It's because I was dealing with the real world consequences of being chronically ill and chronically poor. These are two things I link together so tightly I almost didn't put "and" in that sentence.
I was being kept at a friend's house for a little over a week because I live alone and they were afraid I was going to die. No one actually says that, but the simple reality is that no one is saying, "Geeze you are kinda sick and gonna totes get better so please sleep on my couch." There were other reasons too; the simple life goes on when you're sick, birthdays and funerals. I haven't had hours at work which I'm thankful for because I couldn't conceivably go to work.
I had a regular-person doctor's visit which turned into several "lets check if you have cancer" visits. I don't. Yay for that.
I removed one medication and added another. I'm having one medication taken away by insurance and being replaced with another that has more possible side effects. I'm afraid, but I'll survive.
For mother's day I'm making the announcement that I'm getting my tubal ligation done in a few weeks. I decided not to give birth to babies a long time ago. My health made it clear that giving birth was a bad idea and my work made it clear to me that foster parents are more needed than traditional parents. It's a positive decision that I made about a decade ago. Let me be clear though, I'm freaking out. What I wanted to happen in the last decade is that I magically got better, healthy, and felt like my body would love to serve the purpose of making babies without unnecessarily endangering me or a baby. That is not the world I live in. The world I live in is one where I am unhealthy and the responsible to myself and future child decision is for this body to not carry a baby. I'm making the very permanent step of not allowing my body to be a traditional mother.
In many ways I'm sad about this, but mostly I am proud. I'm proud of every step I make to being the kind of mother I want to be. I want to be a stable, healthy, foster mom. I'm working on getting a stable job that allows for me to do all the financial things I need to be that foster mom. I'm working on getting healthier and building patterns of behavior and function that allow me to model a lifestyle I want for foster children. Every exercise I do, meal I eat, and work hours I complete is something that makes me proud. This decision is fitting with that. I will be a healthier person and eventually a healthier mom by not being a mom that gives birth.
No matter how a person became a mom (be it c-section, traditional birth, marrying into, adopting, fostering teaching, or just supporting a child that needed an extra mom) every single mom is a blessing. I love my mom that gave birth to me. I am thankful for her every minute of every day. I'm especially thankful for my brother that she didn't give birth to; she adopted him and he is amazing. I have amazing moms in my life, not all are birth moms. I'm thankful for my ex-step-mom, she provided me with lessons and acceptance as a child I am so blessed with. I am blessed to have a new york mom that supported me in ways no one else could. I couldn't have survived high school without debate moms. The amazing and inspiring women I've called mom over the years are the strength that carries me through each day. I was blessed with so many moms I just hope I can be that for others.