Monday, August 25, 2014

Divergent Spoons

I am divergent. I am so many things that make up a good person .
I am erudite.  I am reading so much right now thanks to a schedule that prioritizes quiet personal activities.  My bookmark is a photo of my dead dad that popped up in an unopened book a week ago. I'm reading a memoir written for someone else's dead mom and listening to a teenager breathe and her phone battery drain. I mean, and a teenager's music collection. This is exhausting.
The photo popped up last week in a book I never opened before, but had dropped in my bag to read at work. It sat on a pile of things to pay attention to once the kids were asleep. That took a long time since a few of my coworkers (and I) got punched in the head that day.  I was relieved to see a picture of my dad and that I had my migraine that night. Not just any headache, but MY migraine complete with aura and slight nasea. Not a concussion or even broken glasses. (Thanks to years of practice catching glasses at concerts and bending them back after I slept on them.)  After years without the auras, they are back with a vengeance.  On the upside,  I am never going to take birth control again so I don't need to concern myself with the added risks related to my particular brand of annoyance pre migraine.   It's difficult to adjust to the world spinning in a set of strange uninvited colors though. Especially if I'm working; I am adjusting though. I know I got through grad school with rainbow spots streaming across books and papers; I can do this.
I love my job. Being able to work full time is great. I get to connect with the kids and they know when to expect me which makes both of our lives better. We are understaffed, and everyone is working tons of overtime.  I am pushing the importance of my boundaries regularly. No one expresses anger about it, but I am concerned that maybe I'm an asshole. I checked, I'm just chronically I'll (a spoonie). And right now, I keep having enough spoons to take care of things, but the only way to do that is to watch my schedule and to get all bur bur bur about my boundaries.  My supervisor says I'm awesome,  that I do a great job and thanks me for the time i put in. Oddly enough, I got thanked for just being on my shift by three coworkers last week.
My people worry though, there is a delicate balance in what I can and can't do. Every spoon is going into work and I think I am borrowing from my days off to do overtime. I'm teaching these kids self care though. And trying to role model coping skills like adapting your personal style and self care boxes. I'm also just making sure they don't kill themselves in the night. (Or the staff. I like my coworkers and myself most of the time. )
I had to gather up my spoons before work today. I slept in (also reads missed a call from my bestie). I meditated. I ate what someone handed me.  I came into work reminding myself of who I am and why I am here. I have just enough spoons today for a smooth shift. I am dauntless, ready to be brave and protect others from danger. I am abnegation, helping these kids is the most important thing. I am candor, being honest with myself, the staff and the kids about what I can and can't do is amazingly important.  I can be real here with them and I can be real about my spoons. Once I get home and lay down in bed, I don't know when I'll get up again. I got extras, but I don't think I have enough to keep being.

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