Thursday, October 16, 2014

Thankful Thursday grief bubble

I am thankful to be almost through one of the most trying years of my existence.
I am thankful for coworkers that stand up for me.
I am thankful for making an impact on others.
I am thankful for my amazing boyfriend.
I am thankful for my siblings.
I am thankful for knowing I can survive.

Friday, September 12, 2014

#InvisibleIllnessAwarenessWeek #FitspoFriday

30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know

1. The illness I live with is: Chronic Migraines, Asthma, Some undiagnosed thing, depression
2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 2005 (ofish-fish 2007), 1995, 2014?,
3. But I had symptoms since: 2000, ever, 2000
4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: medications every day, avoiding foods I enjoy, dark days
5. Most people assume: That because I take preventative medicines I don't have any issues
6. The hardest part about mornings are: Checking in with my pain levels and breathing to see if I can do what I want to. Sometimes, convincing myself that what I enjoy is worth getting out of bed.
7. My favorite medical TV show is: Grey's Anatomy
8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: my cell phone
9. The hardest part about nights are: Nightmares I get from meds.
10. Each day I take __ pills & vitamins. (No comments, please) 12 types, 19 actual pills
11. Regarding alternative treatments I: can't afford the ones I want
12. If I had to choose between an invisible illness or visible I would choose: invisible. It's difficult to get help, but I know I miss out on a lot of other difficulties.
13. Regarding working and career: I'm afraid I'll have to give them up.
14. People would be surprised to know: how many symptoms I'm struggling with on an average work day.
15. The hardest thing to accept about my new reality has been: keeping boundaries other people don't need to, and don't always understand.
16. Something I never thought I could do with my illness that I did was: my job.
17. The commercials about my illness: are much faster than real time allows. "Take this pill, seconds later no pain, no depression."
18. Something I really miss doing since I was diagnosed is: eating tomatoes. Never canceling on people.
19. It was really hard to have to give up: tomatoes
20. A new hobby I have taken up since my diagnosis is: nothing
21. If I could have one day of feeling normal again I would: work a double. One where i go outside, wear my hair in a pony tail the whole time, type up the notes, and go out to drinks- bloody mary's- with my coworkers.
22. My illness has taught me: to find acceptance and everyone's reality is different.
23. Want to know a secret? One thing people say that gets under my skin is: "you can too."
24. But I love it when people: Give me the support I ask for.
25. My favorite motto, scripture, quote that gets me through tough times is: wear it like armor
26. When someone is diagnosed I’d like to tell them: You're not doing something wrong when you take care of yourself.
27. Something that has surprised me about living with an illness is: That I can be loved.
28. The nicest thing someone did for me when I wasn’t feeling well was: Bring me coffee, a hamburger and Watch my shows with me in the dark.
29. I’m involved with Invisible Illness Week because: it's fitspo to help others.
30. The fact that you read this list makes me feel: hopeful.

Thankful Thursday 9/11/14

dafsfd I am thankful for my dad, and all the times he was there for me.
I am thankful for my work and that good I can do.
I am thankful for the breath of children.
I am thankful for our police and firefighters
I am thankful for the Marines and Navy
I am thankful that the feeling in my gut that shows up when I see 9/11 written down passing another year.
I am thankful for my family.
I am thankful for Pumpkin Spice flavoring.
I am thankful for all the letters I can sign after my name.
I am thankful for amazing coworkers I can depend on.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014


For the most part the last week or two has been rather boring. There isn't a lot interesting going on at my work (Thank the monkeys.  We needed a some boring time.) My sister is visiting, but we don't sight see and such.  We hang.  It's the best.  I love that she and my boyfriend and pretty comfortable near each other already.  She's gonna be here a while.
I had a migraine for a week. I wish that was somehow interesting or abnormal. It still isn't.  I got a med change.  I want that to be interesting and abnormal too.  It still isn't.
I missed a bunch of work.  My coworkers noticed.  That matters to me.
However a few things are official that haven't been official very long:
I officially have an abnormal MRI and a normal EEG.  What does that mean?  No clue.  You could Google it.
I officially have an effective Essure procedure and can't have kids.
I officially have an MHP  (mental health professional) title.
I officially have a full time job (that I don't have to give up due to seizures). 

I officially got three apologies from a doctor that hadn't bothered to apologize about my symptoms previously.  Basically, I wish I wasn't ever around doctors EVER.  That's a bit irrational given the whole "undiagnosed neurological disorder" thing

Thursday, September 4, 2014

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful for my sister.
I am thankful for being able to say no.
I am thankful for the chris people in my life.
I am thankful for my boundaries
I am thankful for effective medications.
I am thankful for good causes and free tickets.
I am thankful for warm sweatshirts.
I am thankful for pumpkin spice latte.
I am thankful for fall.

Friday, August 29, 2014

Thankful Thursday 8/28

I am thankful for my mom and sister.
I am thankful for my boyfriend.
I am thankful for my cousin Drew returning home (and very proud of him). I am thankful for how inspiring he is not only to me, but to my mom and uncle.
I am thankful for hope.
I am thankful for the kids at work.
I am thankful for my amazing coworkers.
I am thankful for compassion, forgiveness and optimism that I can hold onto with minimal effort.
I am thankful for neurologists I believe will provide answers someday.  I am thankful I continue to have this belief and the energy to look for answers.
I am thankful for cough medicine.  Best thing EVER.
I am thankful for upcoming benefits and being able to provide for my spoonie self again.
I am thankful for supervisors that support "I'm gonna throw all your stuff away" sticky notes and emails. (Seriously #blessed)
I am thankful for my MHP and for all the work I've put in leading to another piece of paper that says I don't suck. for realzies.

Monday, August 25, 2014

Divergent Spoons

I am divergent. I am so many things that make up a good person .
I am erudite.  I am reading so much right now thanks to a schedule that prioritizes quiet personal activities.  My bookmark is a photo of my dead dad that popped up in an unopened book a week ago. I'm reading a memoir written for someone else's dead mom and listening to a teenager breathe and her phone battery drain. I mean, and a teenager's music collection. This is exhausting.
The photo popped up last week in a book I never opened before, but had dropped in my bag to read at work. It sat on a pile of things to pay attention to once the kids were asleep. That took a long time since a few of my coworkers (and I) got punched in the head that day.  I was relieved to see a picture of my dad and that I had my migraine that night. Not just any headache, but MY migraine complete with aura and slight nasea. Not a concussion or even broken glasses. (Thanks to years of practice catching glasses at concerts and bending them back after I slept on them.)  After years without the auras, they are back with a vengeance.  On the upside,  I am never going to take birth control again so I don't need to concern myself with the added risks related to my particular brand of annoyance pre migraine.   It's difficult to adjust to the world spinning in a set of strange uninvited colors though. Especially if I'm working; I am adjusting though. I know I got through grad school with rainbow spots streaming across books and papers; I can do this.
I love my job. Being able to work full time is great. I get to connect with the kids and they know when to expect me which makes both of our lives better. We are understaffed, and everyone is working tons of overtime.  I am pushing the importance of my boundaries regularly. No one expresses anger about it, but I am concerned that maybe I'm an asshole. I checked, I'm just chronically I'll (a spoonie). And right now, I keep having enough spoons to take care of things, but the only way to do that is to watch my schedule and to get all bur bur bur about my boundaries.  My supervisor says I'm awesome,  that I do a great job and thanks me for the time i put in. Oddly enough, I got thanked for just being on my shift by three coworkers last week.
My people worry though, there is a delicate balance in what I can and can't do. Every spoon is going into work and I think I am borrowing from my days off to do overtime. I'm teaching these kids self care though. And trying to role model coping skills like adapting your personal style and self care boxes. I'm also just making sure they don't kill themselves in the night. (Or the staff. I like my coworkers and myself most of the time. )
I had to gather up my spoons before work today. I slept in (also reads missed a call from my bestie). I meditated. I ate what someone handed me.  I came into work reminding myself of who I am and why I am here. I have just enough spoons today for a smooth shift. I am dauntless, ready to be brave and protect others from danger. I am abnegation, helping these kids is the most important thing. I am candor, being honest with myself, the staff and the kids about what I can and can't do is amazingly important.  I can be real here with them and I can be real about my spoons. Once I get home and lay down in bed, I don't know when I'll get up again. I got extras, but I don't think I have enough to keep being.

Friday, August 22, 2014

Thankful Thursday 8/22

I am thankful for not-so-bad bad days.
I am thankful for my brother being a good kid.
I am thankful for the man I live with being totes okay with my family coming in and out every day.
I am thankful for my nephew being excited to see my brother.
I am thankful for fall to be just around the corner (Also reads PSL season. so pumped!)
I am thankful for my job. My amazing wonderful job.
I am thankful for my co workers my beyond amazing wonderful co workers.
I am thankful for the youth I work with reminding me about forgiveness, acceptance, and change.
I am thankful for the compassion I hold in my heart. I know it's a gift I am blessed to carry.
I am thankful for boundaries allowing me to stay healthy and safe.
I am thankful for power.
I am thankful for rent.
I am thankful for plans with the people I love.
I am thankful for the pirate store and pike's street market.
I am thankful for every one that loves me.
I am thankful for books. I've read lots of really good ones the last couple weeks. Check out the list on Goodreads.
As a quick follow up highly related to books inspiring me to write, to learn and that I wanted to recommend to dead people:
I am thankful for my dad, Shilo, my great aunt, Great Grandpa, TJ and Mason. I was reminded today how blessed I was to have these people touch my life. I know that they continue to touch my life. I am inspired to be the person they would want me to be, the person I couldn't be, and they can't be.

Friday, August 15, 2014

Fitspo Friday: @WilW

I am a huge fan of honesty, especially when dealing with mood disorders. While mindfulness around your patterns and skills is amazingly helpful, there are some times when you are unable to be prepared. Those are the times when a fit person reaches out for support. Being honest about what is happening with your mental and physical health is one of the best ways to care for yourself. It can help you be mindful and prepared.  It also allows for a support system.  When you are real about impacts, people can help you trouble shoot and learn.

One of the most fitspo people for a healthy life with mental health disorders is Wil Wheaton. He is a successful creator that shares his passions through many forums (Tabletop, Wil Wheaton Project, books).  I am a super fan from back in the Stand By Me days and a later in life initiated trekkie.  So there are dozens of reasons why I fan girl over Wil Wheaton.  There is only one reason I stop breathing when I see him at a con.  Wil Wheaton is a person that reaches for support to handle what he can’t handle alone.  (Read what he wrote here. Read what his wife wrote here.)  He is a person that shares his reality to support others (Read what he wrote here and here).  Most importantly, Wil Wheaton is a person that doesn't let his challenges stop him from creation.  Wil Wheaton has a gorgeous hilarious family, a successful career and an actively challenging mental health disorder.  
I only hope to be as inspiring a person as Wil Wheaton.  I strive to be honest and create not despite, but with my health challenges.  That would make me a truly fit and healthy person.  

Thursday, August 14, 2014

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful for my amazing boyfriend.
I am thankful for plans with my brother and sister
I am thankful for so many days with so many spoons.
I am thankful for my great job where I get to do work I love.
I am thankful for coworkers noticing what I do.
I am thankful for coworkers that make huge impacts.
I am thankful for EEG even though it's like torture.
I am thankful for doctors that train people well.
I am thankful for date nights.
I am thankful for amazing far away friend chats.

Friday, August 8, 2014

I am thankful for my brother and sister-in-law.
I am thankful for full time hours
I am thankful for amazing coworkers.
I am thankful for a sister and boyfriend that get that I am trying, she is trying and he is trying.
I am thankful for my nephews and neice.
I am thankful for football.
I am thankful for plans with my sister,  no matter how inconsistent they seem to be.
I am thankful for ice packs, for hot packs and for medications.
I am thankful for pikes place chowder, crab Rangoon and pizza that tastes like new york.
I am thankful for good books and great tv.
I am thankful for my bestie doing amazing awesome things she loves.
I am thankful for my other bestie making plans

Saturday, August 2, 2014

See It Sunday

fitspo friday Sansa Stark

For a long time I contained some harsh feelings towards Sansa stark. I am the middle child, peace keeper among many siblings.  There is nothing more important to me than the survival and happiness of my siblings. I expect others to hold their family is similar regards (unless great harm has been done). As such, Sansa has had some less than acceptable behavior especially towards her little sister. Yet, I find Sansa as she has grown up (in the books and tv show) to be a fitspiration.
To many people it seems that healthy only applies to the physically strong.  Reality is that physical strength is not the end all be all of health. A healthy woman is not just the sister that can fight with the sword  or scheme her way to power. A healthy person can recognize their strengths,  manage their emotions,  admit their flaws and overcome barriers to take care of themselves.
Sansa becomes a strong and healthy person through her growth in the series. Sansa is an inspiration to be the kind of person. I want to be. Sansa manages her emotions as to present her biggest strengths of knowledge and courtesy.  She presents herself as timid when it is helpful and knowledgeable when she can. Her kindness is her survival tool better than any sword could be in her hands. Sansa created a civility and timid manners that got her support, safety,  and manners in return.
Even in the fact that Sansa had to grow to become a strong woman makes her an inspiration.  I strive to be a healthy person that manage my emotions so I can always treat others well. I strive to be a healthy person that uses my knowledge to support others and myself. I want to use the tools I have to survive and support those that need support. Sansa shoes me how to be that healthy person.

Thursday, July 31, 2014

Thankful Thursday- great coworkers

I am thankful for making plans for the future.
I am thankful for a relief from depression
I am thankful for my amazing boyfriend
I am thankful for Taco Tuesday
I am thankful for my great Co workers giving me coverage when I needed it.
I am thankful for the support I received on a hard day at work.
I am thankful for an understanding sister and boyfriend who are working together with me for a better fiscal tomorrow.
I am thankful for beautiful sunrises.
I am thankful for my besties. I have truly been given a gift in brad, angelica and jenn. Our friendships do not look similar in many ways and I need each aspect and the support they provide separately and together.
I am thankful for h&m blazers and cute lipstick.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful for my niece and her whole year on this earth. I enjoyed all the firsts I get with her and can't wait for many more
As per usual,  I am thankful for my sister.
I am thankful for the man I live with helping me out so much.
I am thankful for my besties, near and far and all the support they give.
I am thankful for Seattle,  even with the heat.
I am thankful for my work and that it is noticed.
I am thankful for my doctor finally doing everything right.
I am thankful for a full schedule.
I am thankful for awesome coworkers and great environment to come to.
I am thankful for the funny and kind bus driver I had the last few days.
I am thankful for my friend Amber and her being on this earth another year. She is a blessing in my life and I hope she has a wonderful birthday to be thankful for.

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Fitspo Friday

I know I haven't written one of these in a while. I was struggling to feel inspired for a while. I also am aware it is not Friday.  I spent the day exploring NYC yesterday and got a little distracted.

My inspiration is Shiloh.  I heard stories about him as I grew up, but my immediate family didn't have any real connection to him until recently. (You can hate a lot about Facebook,  but it's amazing way to communicate with distant family.)

Shiloh was sick for a long time. Yet, he remained positive.  He passed that positivity to me in my struggles with my health. I will be carrying his hope and good nature with me through the future. Making a change towards inputting that into my daily life is the best thing I can do to remember him and be a healthier person.

Thursday, June 26, 2014

Pride Thanks

I'm skipping pride this year. Scheduling didn't work out for Seattle and the New York trip. Technically,  I am in New York for NYC  pride. However,  I am with a family of small children and pride rallies are not easy for small children.
I have no doubt about this decision.  However,  I love pride. I love any celebration of self and community. It's amazing to get this moment to celebrate and mourn in such a big way.
With no pride celebration for me this yesr, I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you.
I am thankful for all of the people currently fighting for equality world wide. I am thankful for all of those that have sacrificed for the steps we have taken.  If you can, get out and dance with the parades. I will work a extra hard to vocalize my pride this year.

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful for sweet strangers that treat me like family.
I am thankful for my friends and family continued prayers and concerns
I am thankful for people that hug me when I start screaming crying mid sentence.
I am thankful for the year I had communicating with Shiloh on a regular basis.
I am thankful for my family and planning dinner with them.
I am thankful for the evil little monsters in my life (sorry,  that should read my nephews and neice).
I am thankful for New York pizza.
I am thankful for ice packs and knee braces.
I am thankful for everyone on the #sickgirlproblems hashtag.

Saturday, June 14, 2014

Omgoodness, I am dieing.

I shouted at the screen quickly followed by "God damn Lundqvist." I am feeling the best I have all month.  I am really enjoying the game. My kings beat my bestie's Rangers while I'm in New York for the first time. Stanley Cup Champs! This is how to live. Then my leg kicks off the table of its own will. I shall continue to say I'm dancing with abandon. though I'm spasming constantly.

 I had a horrifying headache that wouldn't respond to medications. I had a supposedly simple procedure that turned into a several day ordeal.  However, I am in New York and arrived here by cross country road trip. Even with all of the challenges of the last year, I stay focused on my life long goals. My bucket list items are dropping like flies.

I'm here and trying to enjoy myself. My bestie is working on not asking me every ten seconds if I am okay. She has gone 3 hours today, but that's because mom is here and the kids are showing off their intelligence every chance they get.

Back home,  I finally got a neurologist referral from my new doctor. While my support group is concerned with if I'm having fun, they are more concerned I get my appointment set. That is how my life is going.

I notice I don't blog about what's happening when it's bad. I can't entirely grasp that I don't know what's happening again. I feel I can't be who I want to be. Blogging is difficult in those moments.  Being is difficult in those moments but I continue to strive for a life worthy of the term. I am not dieing today.  I am celebrating my team being Stanley Cup Champs and me being in New York.

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful for my sister taking care of the finances so I can take time to cross things off my bucket list.
I am thankful for my friends that don't get mad when I can't do things that would make life so much easier.
I am thankful for my Switzer family and the extended Cullen family that are taking great care of me and allowing me to do things I otherwise could not.
I am thankful I didn't die on the George Washington Bridge.
I am thankful for sunrise in so many different places.
I am thankful for the crying of children in the morning making it clear that my nieces and nephews are awake, are loved and cared for, and so spoiled they don't even know.
I am thankful for a man that loves me and doesn't actually accept I have doubts as an answer.
I am thankful for a sister that is a fish nerd. (Who knew there were historical fish hatcheries?)
I am thankful for being able to email my doctor even though he doesn't seem to respond.
I am thankful for driving across a lovely country.
I am thankful for travel the bear.
I am thankful for a nephew that is understanding about the fact that I'm sick and can't always do things even though he doesn't understand illness.
I am thankful for hugs from strangers that I think of as family.
I am thankful for advise from family on how to take care of myself even though I want to tell everyone to shut up because I don't even know what's wrong.
I am thankful for taking this trip even though I am struggling with my health this whole time.

Thursday, June 5, 2014

Thankful Thursday

  • I'm thankful for understanding and helpful coworkers.  The kind that say "Wait, how did you get here? You aren't getting on a bus. Go home and rest."
  • I'm thankful for the amazing Switzer family taking care of me when I need it most.  I'm so blessed to have my amazing Amber and Chris to help me out the last few days.  I would not have survived alone.
  • I'm thankful for my mom, sister and besties checking in on me.
  • I'm thankful for people that won't ever tell me that my health has scared them again.
  • I'm thankful for a bestie that can joke about how silly her text message sounded when I was at the ER.
  • I am thankful for Amber being able to joke about sitting at the ER while nurses are concerned I'm bleeding internally.
  • I'm thankful Amber can be mad about people checking in too many times.
  • I'm thankful for Chris trying to be calm while he's pissed off that I'm getting out of a chair. I'm thankful for the number of times that he has said "Then just keep sitting. What's the problem with that?" even though I can't process the number of problems I find with staying sitting for several days.
  • I'm thankful for medications arriving when I need them.
  • I'm thankful for a sister and roommate that have everything under control especially when nothing is under control.
  • I'm thankful for amazingly beautiful days in Seattle.
  • I'm thankful for Cupcake Royal.
  • I'm thankful for ER doctors being so much cooler and more rational than any other doctors.
  • I'm thankful for an OB that is funny.
  • I'm thankful for sweet nurses rubbing my ass. 
  • I'm thankful for amazing and funny EMTs that can save hundreds of dollars by walking me across the street.
  • I'm thankful for recliner chairs.
  • I'm thankful for corn bag pillow from my grandma (life saver).
  • I'm thankful for pads and sweatpants.  (Never in my life did I think I would be, but dear monkeys I am.)
  • I'm thankful for Australia's Next Top Model and the amazing, wonderful and insane guy I live with that I now got addicted to Australia's Next Top Model. (Shhhhhh.... don't tell him I told you.)
  • I'm thankful that my skin color is naturally a cute tan and not gray/purple.
  • I'm thankful for recognizing my limits and being a bitch about still wanting to do things.
  • I am thankful for a kindergartner that can comprehend I'm not well enough to play, be upset about it, and thank me for playing with him the day before.  I am not sure I recognize a moment in my life that was so simultaneously heart warming and impossibly saddening. 
  • I am thankful for every person on twitter and tumblr that uses #SickGirlProblems or any other associated hash tag.  When I'm sitting and crying, they can make me laugh and recognize I'm not alone. There is nothing better in this world
As every Thursday, I am thankful for the stunning people I have in my life near and far.  I choose to connect myself with people that can make me better. When I'm at my worst, they hold me up. I couldn't possibly ask for more than what they do.  I am glad to say I had an awful shitty week and I am still beyond blessed.  

Thank you.

Friday, May 16, 2014

Fitspo Friday

I mentioned before I have some amazing cousins that are very inspiring.  I am always stunned at the things my family members can do.
I am blessed with having a gigantic family filled with talented folks. There are teachers, lawyers, scientists, football players, body builders, baseball players,missionaries, moms,  dads, stepdads, artists, cheerleaders, marines, submariners, and chefs in my generation alone. Not many can boast the inspiration I can from their family tree. I know some of my cousins don't believe they are as valuable as others because they don't have a fancy title. Yet, they inspire me to have fun and to keep working. Some of my cousins will never be as capable as others. They inspire me to have acceptance, openness, and passion. I am so blessed to have each one in my life.
I don't get to spend the time I want to with my family; A portion of that is because a lot of my down time is my sick time so I don't schedule things. I want to be healthier just for more time with family.  I really want to be fit and healthy so that my family members can be as proud of me as I am of them.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful for my work.
I am thankful for being physically well enough to work today.
I am thankful for supportive friends and family.
I am thankful for my niece and nephews.
I am thankful for Sam.
I am thankful for people that grow and change in positive ways that inspire me.
I am thankful for updates about where people are.
I am thankful for my moms
I am thankful for possibilities.
I am thankful for Taco Tuesday and the shows it entails.
I am thankful for friends that get and appreciate even my most awkward fandoms.
I am thankful for skipbo.
I am thankful for night vale and Peter Dinklage.
I am thankful for my brother's growing life.
I am thankful for cute coworkers with nice voices. (For nice voices)

Sunday, May 11, 2014

Mother's Day

I've disappeared for a few weeks (again).  It's because I was dealing with the real world consequences of being chronically ill and chronically poor. These are two things I link together so tightly I almost didn't put "and" in that sentence.
I was being kept at a friend's house for a little over a week because I live alone and they were afraid I was going to die.  No one actually says that,  but the simple reality is that no one is saying, "Geeze you are kinda sick and gonna totes get better so please sleep on my couch." There were other reasons too; the simple life goes on when you're sick, birthdays and funerals. I haven't had hours at work which I'm thankful for because I couldn't conceivably go to work.
I had a regular-person doctor's visit which turned into several "lets check if you have cancer" visits.  I don't. Yay for that.
I removed one medication and added another. I'm having one medication taken away by insurance and being replaced with another that has more possible side effects. I'm afraid, but I'll survive.

For mother's day I'm making the announcement that I'm getting my tubal ligation done in a few weeks. I decided not to give birth to babies a long time ago.  My health made it clear that giving birth was a bad idea and my work made it clear to me that foster parents are more needed than traditional parents.  It's a positive decision that I made about a decade ago.  Let me be clear though, I'm freaking out. What I wanted to happen in the last decade is that I magically got better, healthy, and felt like my body would love to serve the purpose of making babies without unnecessarily endangering me or a baby.  That is not the world I live in.  The world I live in is one where I am unhealthy and the responsible to myself and future child decision is for this body to not carry a baby.  I'm making the very permanent step of not allowing my body to be a traditional mother.
In many ways I'm sad about this, but mostly I am proud.  I'm proud of every step I make to being the kind of mother I want to be.  I want to be a stable, healthy, foster mom.  I'm working on getting a stable job that allows for me to do all the financial things I need to be that foster mom.  I'm working on getting healthier and building patterns of behavior and function that allow me to model a lifestyle I want for foster children.  Every exercise I do, meal I eat, and work hours I complete is something that makes me proud.  This decision is fitting with that.  I will be a healthier person and eventually a healthier mom by not being a mom that gives birth.

No matter how a person became a mom (be it c-section, traditional birth, marrying into, adopting, fostering teaching, or just supporting a child that needed an extra mom) every single mom is a blessing. I love my mom that gave birth to me. I am thankful for her every minute of every day.  I'm especially thankful for my brother that she didn't give birth to; she adopted him and he is amazing. I have amazing moms in my life, not all are birth moms.  I'm thankful for my ex-step-mom, she provided me with lessons and acceptance as a child I am so blessed with. I am blessed to have a new york mom that supported me in ways no one else could. I couldn't have survived high school without debate moms. The amazing and inspiring women I've called mom over the years are the strength that carries me through each day.   I was blessed with so many moms I just hope I can be that for others.

Friday, March 28, 2014

Fitspo Friday

This week my inspiration comes from children. I've been really weak while dealing with the spasms that never go away.
The most disappointing moment came when I had to put my niece down not because she wanted to crawl but because my arms were tired.
 I also work with children in a locked psychiatric inpatient home. When you are trying to support someone through recovery, you need energy to spare them. Especially in an environment like the one I work in, getting your body to be physical is important to a strong lasting recovery.
I want to be able to run with the children in my life. I want to move freely with them and celebrate their progress.
My nephew monster loves a good dance party.  I don't want to turn him down because I don't have the energy. The children in my life constantly inspire me to be fit and healthier.

Thursday, March 27, 2014

Thankful Thursday

  • I am thankful that Tatay's Gift was funded
  • I am thankful for the concern of friends.
  • I am thankful to be on my way to work. 
  • I am thankful for progressing goals
  • I am thankful my niece continues to explore her world. 
  • I am thankful for the announcement that George Takei will be the Grand Marshall at this year's Seattle Pride parade.  It is very exciting. 
  • I am thankful for my fandoms and IGGPPC. 
  • I am thankful for sound transit

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

My fandoms are always strong.

I turned on teen wolf to see the mourning of a beloved character.  I said out loud to the no one I live with, "I can't do this. I just can't.  I need to fill my water bottles." I  spent the last couple days not doing several things.  I didn't do the love your body challenge.  I couldn't get myself to open my emails.  I don't have a good excuse for that; I don't have a good excuse for a lot. I also haven't done any exercise.  That I have a good excuse for.
I mentioned before that my medications aren't regulating. That means I am experiencing a migraine for over 2 weeks. It's not horrible pain, but it is constant.  The real problem is that after the migraines go on for a while, I start to spasm a lot. My willpower against my depression drops with my every pain. The amount i care about what food i put in my body disappears. Yesterday, I couldn't get the spasms to stop or slow down. I went from bed to couch as many times as my legs would carry me.
I opened up a feast of crows and was thankful to find Brienne of Tarth. I am a fan girl because my fandoms are strong even when I can't be. Brienne is a failure at this point in the series. She says so often, just like me. Yet she carries on and she holds her word. I feel as though she is carrying me off my couch with every step. I can't get up, but Brienne can defeat her failures. I will follow her. (Hopefully not to her death. I should consider a happier fandom.)
I turned Teen Wolf back on today. I am confident they will mourn and battle and win. I will mourn my days I lose to my health battles, the plans I made, and soon I believe I will mourn some hope I've been clinging onto with the tips of my fingers. I will win. I get off the couch, work and follow through, when my body allows. Today Teen Wolf and Brienne will fight for me.

Saturday, March 22, 2014

Just a little movement

I decided to do a workout yesterday. This one:
I'm not even 30. So it's pretty easy to look at this DVD as a failure. My body has failed me to the point that I can't do a "real" workout. That's something I struggle with a lot. If I can't do a half hour of cardiovascular workout I ask myself what's the point? A friend said the other day that my hand weights were too light to count. I said no, they count. Yet, the thought keeps creeping in. 
I spent 3 days with a migraine and muscle spasms. It slowed down quite a bit, but after 3 days of spasms I am really sore. Also, because the pain isn't completely gone I am afraid of getting up and making things worse. 
I decided to do my old lady workout and test my body. I felt stupid and called myself names. I considered stopping the video and doing something more "real" at least using a heavier weight since mine didn't count. I didn't.  
At the end of the video I sat down with an ice pack. Less than 10 minutes later I was in tears from the muscle spasms spreading.  I hurt everywhere.  My body was very clear that I don't get a choice in what a "real" workout consists of. A real workout is what I can do in the moment, and can't be defined by someone else. (I do like my doctors advice though. ) it's also important to get in any amount if exercise I can. If I can't get an hour in, I'll take ten minutes. 

Friday, March 21, 2014

Fitspo Friday

There are a lot of people I want to get to know. I want to know more about my grandparents and family history.  I want to know more about my cousins and what they love.  I want to know my niece and nephews more (As they are under the age of five, there is a lot to discover Like how they pronounce my name. )  I also want to know more about Jane Austen, because I haven't read every thing ever written about her.  I want to know more about DBT and neuropsychology.  I want to know more about Dorothy Gale and the Wicked Witch of the West. I want to know more about Sam and Dean Winchester.  I want to know about Captain Kirk.  I want to know about me.
Life is a wonderful journey of self discovery, and there is always more to know about how far I can go, how many tv shows I can watch, how much I can lift, how fast I can move, how many people I can help, how many books I can read and how many concerts I can dance at.  There is so much to learn and I'd like to celebrate all of me.  Being fit means I'll have a life time to discover me.
Discovering yourself isn't always wonderful.  The first time I discovered that my migraines were chronic and my knee pain wouldn't go away, I hated myself. About once a month my depression tells me horrible lies saying that I am unworthy of air and should die.  Yet, I know that as I discover more about myself I have more to give.  I want a fit and healthy me so that I have a full lifetime to see how far I can go despite and because of my illnesses.
Recently, I've had the pleasure of being inspired by the amazing Chloe Lee.  For years, Chloe was a person in my life that was very quiet. Things have changed a lot, and she's celebrating a lot of things lately in ways I never imagined.  It's been wonderful and inspiring to see.  Obvi not everything is perfect as she discovers more about herself, but it doesn't take away from everything she has to embrace and celebrate. As I get to know Chloe more, I get to celebrate with her. It makes me want to celebrate all those things about myself too. It's amazing to be involved with someone learning and celebrating so much.
You can get to know about Chloe on her blog.

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Thankful Thursday

  • I am thankful for a lot less pain today than the last couple days. (I'm hopeful for a workout.)
  • I am thankful for a little niece trying to walk even though she just started to crawl.
  • I am thankful for a gorgeous first day of spring. 
  • I am thankful for all the wonderful women in my life.
  • I am thankful for a doctors appointment. 
  • I am thankful for smores. I am not eating them, but I have a plan in the future. Smores are so good. I think I'll make easter smores out of peeps for my nephews. 
  • I am thankful for talks with my best friend
  • I am thankful for debate tournaments always having one inspiring moment. (A girl gave a speech about caring, self esteem and being better. Her teammates came to watch and left when she finished. I glimpsed her at least two month old self harm scars when she adjusted a sleeve. Lovely moment)
  • I am thankful for kids allowing me the privilege of helping tthem clean and playing along with my jokes. They make a choice to trust me at work, and I am thankful every time they do. 

Thursday, March 13, 2014


I am super thankful for my family today.  My uncle has gone out of his way to help me join up with family,  again.

I get to see an aunt I haven't seen in almost 15 years.

I get in person sister time thanks to my father.

I get to spend time with grandparents.  Thankful for every moment I get worth them.

The Woodards have released some extra peeks at Tatay's Gift.

This week was a week of birthdays.  (My mom, my baby brother and oldest friend all have the same birthday.) I am thankful for the distinct pleasure of celebrating their existence in my life.

I am thankful for the #LoveyourBodyChallenge and #IggleFit30DayChallenge both letting me celebrate what my body can do.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014


I began participating in Molly Galbraith's love your body challenge.  It's been truely wonderful to spend some time focusing on the good my body does.  It is pretty easy when I'm being sick to focus on the bad. It's very easy to be mad at and to hate my body.  The reality is that my hormones (depression and migraines) were being regulated by some pills.  I've come to face the reality that my body doesn't accept birthcontrol as an answer to these problems very long.  For the 3rd birthcontrol in a row I noticed that I hit a certain point and I can no longer depend on regulation.  It isn't the end of the world, but it makes reality, positivity, and thankfulness more difficult to find.

I've been in pain more days than not recently.  I find myself unsure of the last full day I went without any pain in my knees, lungs, or head.  I'm hopeful to find more soon. 

I've been doing great work with the mantras from the Love Your Body Challenge. I'm finding myself more open to the possibilities of my body.  I want to share with you my mantras for the first 7 days.
  1. My body is my home. It's the only place I have to live I will treat it with the respect it deserves.
  2. I am capable to working at that's awesome. In fact, I am capable of anything I set my mind to, that I am willig to work for.
  3. I am strong enough to fangirl at concerts and at cons.
  4. My existence is a miracle. I am not here by accident. My life has purpose and meaning, and that purpose and meaning is to create and give.
  5. I am beautiful inside and out and I feel especially beautiful when I put myself somewhere celebrating my fandoms.
  6. I love my body. It may not be 100% perfect, but it's served me well and it deserves love and compassion.
  7. I love my body. it has the ability to bring me immense pleasure in many ways if I can slow down to recognize it. 
It's day 8 now and in reading the mantra for today I began to simply cry.  8, I love my body. It allows me the privilege to move freely and I will take full advantage of that privilige as often as I can.
Now, I want to remind you my depression is running wild so making me cry and welcome self pity is easier than opening my eyes. I'm sitting down with an ice pack on my knees and my head, and not for the first time this week.  I am not moving freely; that isn't a privilege my body gives. There are days it chooses to, and I am thankful for those.  I try to remember most don't have the opportunity to be reminded of what a blessing getting out of bed can be. I know that it's not a blessing I'll always have.  I try to keep in mind that I am lucky.  I have an understanding of the gift of walking and sunlight that others do not. That understanding comes with the price that, for right now, that mantra is a lie and I cannot repeat that lie. I will hold on to it for a day when I can move freely.  I know that day is around a corner waiting for me.
I'm not freely moving now, but I was able to move around earlier. I was on a bike for 30 minutes. I could pick up my nephew when I walked in the door of his house. (He doesn't say hello, he runs and jumps.) I could carry my niece, and help her practice walking. I could cry about what I can't do now, but I'd rather be thankful for what I could do.  My head is hurting, but I can still type and that is blessing. My head doesn't hurt so much that I can't travel to Westros and find out who dies next (I'm about 200 pages into a Feast For Crows- NO SPOILERS PLEASE!) I hate this pain. I can find myself slipping into a place where I hate me and want to die. That is the depression talking, because I know I LOVE MY BODY and until I can freely move again I'll have Brienne of Tarth move for me.

Please go indulge in the #LoveYourBodyChallenge

Friday, March 7, 2014

Fitspo Friday

I am inspired by a lot of people. I think the most inspiring are my cousins. I know, I am so bragging. I will continue to brag for weeks!

I will begin with the Woodards.

Check out Tatay's Gift. I don't have to go any further. I want to be a fit healthy person so that I can be creative and give from myself to others. Tatay's gift is the perfect example of that.

This article shows the amazing (and may I add adorable) the Woodard clan. Do take note of some of the previously awesome and stunning projects.

While being creative is one of the things I can do no matter how bad my illnesses get, it's definitely easier and more consistent when I am well. The hope of creating this kind of amazing and inspiring work is why I want to fit and healthy.

Continue to follow Krystal and Brad's fabulous work here to be equally inspired. Btw, become part of the kickstarter. You know you want to.

Thankful Thursday

I am thankful for my father. He keeps stepping up his dad game, which honestly throws me off a bit. It's kinda great.

I am thankful for my sister.  Always. Best thing.

I am thankful for my best friend Brad.

I am thankful for work. I love supporting those kids, even when they say they don't like me.

I am thankful for the days, minutes and moments where I feel in control of my depression.

I am thankful for my coworker Jason.  He really made my day. He remembers when I have to leave and takes note of the good I am doing. He tells other people. Basically, he is my favorite (which is hella hard to do because we have an awesome staff.)

Friday, February 28, 2014


I often have a difficult time with the fitspo hash tag.  Many of the bodies and activities shown are beyond my reach.  They do not become my health.
Yet, I like the idea of collecting visions for motivation and I am often inspired by the actions of others. There are many people that help me desire a fit lifestyle.
I will collect these visions and share them here.

Thursday, February 27, 2014

Thankful Thursday

It's been a difficult week. Rough days at work, canceled plans, and migraine days. I honestly have the hardest time being thankful and okay when spending several days sitting in the dark doing almost nothing.

Yet, I still have a lot to be thankful for.

Thankful for fandoms, the one thing I can do is watch my shows and experience the joy.
Thankful for Pinterest.  I found some simple activities and distraction.
Thankful for meditation,  which is always able to get me back to where I want to be.
Thankful for my sister,  always able to hear me out.
Thankful for minimal spasms and tremors during these last few days. I was able to do some dishes, get a little sleep, and pick up.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

Thankful Thursday

I am super thankful for medications.  I've had a week without my qvar. It's just been difficult to get that full breath. Today I got a refill thanks to my mom. I'm just so pleased.

I am thankful for my family taking care of me.

I am thankful for good movies and good friends.

I am thankful for walking. It is hurting really bad because I've asked my knee to do many hills, but I still really enjoy walking.

I am super thankful for being able to binge watch house of cards before spoilers got all cray.

Monday, February 17, 2014


I've spent most of January being sick.  On a scale that goes to how sick I can get, I was pretty okay. The problem is that expanding this sickness into February I am getting worse and concerned.    I had to call in sick for work yesterday.
 I haven't had insurance since August. That can be a little bit of a struggle.  Luckily thanks to Affordable Care Act, that has changes.  I'll be able to go to the doctor, replace some of my breathing medications. I'm hoping that means that I'll get better. I'd like to feel one hundred percent. Even though being one hundred percent for me isn't without pain or depression, it's a lot better than the last month and a half.
I'm very tired.  Going through my usual bouts of migraines and depression is very difficult when I'm already worn down. I am hoping to be well for work on my next scheduled shift I have a splurge worthy feel awesome day planned with some of my favorite things. (I'll stand in line. I'll fan girl.  I'll drink Uptown coffee.)
In other news, I haven't done great on my tracking (something about writing down breathing, horrible unable to exercise over and over didn't appeal to me)  Yet, my BP is back in normal range and I lost another five pounds (I can wear my super cute bra!  I don't have anyone but me to see it, but dang it, I have one cute bra on right now.)

I will be taking advantage of not feeling well and being unable to exercise by getting some more reading time in. Very excited that I'm finally ahead of the TV show on my Game of Thrones reading so all the deaths will hit me with horrible shock and probably a lot of tears.

Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Broken Dishes

I broke a coffee cup.  It was a stunning break.  I was quite sad to see it; it was a favorite cup.  The cup was giant but didn't let things get too cold,  bright and didn't burn my hands after being in the microwave.  The cup was also a gift from a friend I no longer see.  So, losing the cup was a sadness.
Yet, when I told my sister, she was proud of that one broken dish. (As am I, thus the phone call.)  I do tracking for my health everyday. I track my pain, my pills, my exercise.  Recently my tracking says I'm sick a lot.  It shows I'm not mediating or exercising like I want.  However,  the takings doesn't show that I hadn't broken a dish in months.  I prep food before migraine days and wash dishes often enough that I don't need to clean while sick. While living on my own before I broke dishes so regularly I didn't notice until an entire set was gone.
 I may miss my goals, but I notice when I break dishes now.  That's good enough for me today.

Sunday, January 5, 2014

I know I took off

I have no good excuses for not being here. I just couldn't quite complete this.  The last few months were difficult. I struggled with getting a job and in the process I struggled with understanding myself.
For the last several years, I was an Antioch Student and an Alere Wellbeing Quit Coach. Many of my besties still work there. I am finished with school.  I've always prided myself on getting things done.
The year 2013 was the least productive and successful year of my entire life. I didn't really lose the weight or make the changes I wanted to. Spending the last few months mostly with myself means that I had to pay attention to why things didn't work for me. So, now I'll let you know. I have no excuses. Reasons explain, but they do not excuse my failures
  1.  This blog wasn't a priority. Any time I had a "reason" it became true. Then, I didn't want to come back.
  2. I decided that my nutritionist wasn't right about what my weight loss goals should be.  At the end of the year, I realized I hit the goal my nutritionist wanted. That goal wasn't my intention because I wanted something "better."
  3. I didn't take note of when my bad days were coming. I continuously posted on facebook "why don't I put these on the calendar?"
  4. I didn't use my support or clearly explain myself to others.
  5. Rather than make changes, I ignored what I really wanted.
I'm hoping things will go a little differently this year, and I have the means to make that happen.

This week has been focused around doing well with my new job. I'm doing physical restraint trainings. This is great because not only will it help at work, but it's also a hard core workout. I'm so sore, but didn't hurt my knees.  I can take with me into the rest of the year is how to best take care of my knees while still being awesome.