Nerd @ 190

I am thankful to be almost through one of the most trying years of my existence. I am thankful for coworkers that stand up for me. I am thankful for making an impact on others. I am thankful for my amazing boyfriend. I am thankful for my siblings. I am thankful for knowing I can survive.

http://invisibleillnessweek.com 30 Things About My Invisible Illness You May Not Know 1. The illness I live with is: Chronic Migraines, Asthma, Some undiagnosed thing, depression 2. I was diagnosed with it in the year: 2005 (ofish-fish 2007), 1995, 2014?, 3. But I had symptoms since: 2000, ever, 2000 4. The biggest adjustment I’ve had to make is: medications every day, avoiding foods I enjoy, dark days 5. Most people assume: That because I take preventative medicines I don't have any issues 6. The hardest part about mornings are: Checking in with my pain levels and breathing to see if I can do what I want to. Sometimes, convincing myself that what I enjoy is worth getting out of bed. 7. My favorite medical TV show is: Grey's Anatomy 8. A gadget I couldn’t live without is: my cell phone 9. The hardest part about nights are: Nightmares I get from meds. 10. Each day I take __ pills & vitamins. (No comments, please) 12 types, 19 actual pills 11. Regarding alternative treatm

dafsfd I am thankful for my dad, and all the times he was there for me. I am thankful for my work and that good I can do. I am thankful for the breath of children. I am thankful for our police and firefighters I am thankful for the Marines and Navy I am thankful that the feeling in my gut that shows up when I see 9/11 written down passing another year. I am thankful for my family. I am thankful for Pumpkin Spice flavoring. I am thankful for all the letters I can sign after my name. I am thankful for amazing coworkers I can depend on.

For the most part the last week or two has been rather boring. There isn't a lot interesting going on at my work (Thank the monkeys.  We needed a some boring time.) My sister is visiting, but we don't sight see and such.  We hang.  It's the best.  I love that she and my boyfriend and pretty comfortable near each other already.  She's gonna be here a while. I had a migraine for a week. I wish that was somehow interesting or abnormal. It still isn't.  I got a med change.  I want that to be interesting and abnormal too.  It still isn't. I missed a bunch of work.  My coworkers noticed.  That matters to me. However a few things are official that haven't been official very long: I officially have an abnormal MRI and a normal EEG.  What does that mean?  No clue.  You could Google it. I officially have an effective Essure procedure and can't have kids. I officially have an MHP  (mental health professional) title. I officially have a full time job (

I am thankful for my sister. I am thankful for being able to say no. I am thankful for the chris people in my life. I am thankful for my boundaries I am thankful for effective medications. I am thankful for good causes and free tickets. I am thankful for warm sweatshirts. I am thankful for pumpkin spice latte. I am thankful for fall.

I am thankful for my mom and sister. I am thankful for my boyfriend. I am thankful for my cousin Drew returning home (and very proud of him). I am thankful for how inspiring he is not only to me, but to my mom and uncle. I am thankful for hope. I am thankful for the kids at work. I am thankful for my amazing coworkers. I am thankful for compassion, forgiveness and optimism that I can hold onto with minimal effort. I am thankful for neurologists I believe will provide answers someday.  I am thankful I continue to have this belief and the energy to look for answers. I am thankful for cough medicine.  Best thing EVER. I am thankful for upcoming benefits and being able to provide for my spoonie self again. I am thankful for supervisors that support "I'm gonna throw all your stuff away" sticky notes and emails. (Seriously #blessed) I am thankful for my MHP and for all the work I've put in leading to another piece of paper that says I don't suck. for realzies

I am divergent. I am so many things that make up a good person . I am erudite.  I am reading so much right now thanks to a schedule that prioritizes quiet personal activities.  My bookmark is a photo of my dead dad that popped up in an unopened book a week ago. I'm reading a memoir written for someone else's dead mom and listening to a teenager breathe and her phone battery drain. I mean, and a teenager's music collection. This is exhausting. The photo popped up last week in a book I never opened before, but had dropped in my bag to read at work. It sat on a pile of things to pay attention to once the kids were asleep. That took a long time since a few of my coworkers (and I) got punched in the head that day.  I was relieved to see a picture of my dad and that I had my migraine that night. Not just any headache, but MY migraine complete with aura and slight nasea. Not a concussion or even broken glasses. (Thanks to years of practice catching glasses at concerts and bendin

I am thankful for not-so-bad bad days. I am thankful for my brother being a good kid. I am thankful for the man I live with being totes okay with my family coming in and out every day. I am thankful for my nephew being excited to see my brother. I am thankful for fall to be just around the corner (Also reads PSL season. so pumped!) I am thankful for my job. My amazing wonderful job. I am thankful for my co workers my beyond amazing wonderful co workers. I am thankful for the youth I work with reminding me about forgiveness, acceptance, and change. I am thankful for the compassion I hold in my heart. I know it's a gift I am blessed to carry. I am thankful for boundaries allowing me to stay healthy and safe. I am thankful for power. I am thankful for rent. I am thankful for plans with the people I love. I am thankful for the pirate store and pike's street market. I am thankful for every one that loves me. I am thankful for books. I've read lots of really good o

I am a huge fan of honesty, especially when dealing with mood disorders. While mindfulness around your patterns and skills is amazingly helpful, there are some times when you are unable to be prepared. Those are the times when a fit person reaches out for support. Being honest about what is happening with your mental and physical health is one of the best ways to care for yourself. It can help you be mindful and prepared.  It also allows for a support system.  When you are real about impacts, people can help you trouble shoot and learn. One of the most fitspo people for a healthy life with mental health disorders is Wil Wheaton. He is a successful creator that shares his passions through many forums (Tabletop, Wil Wheaton Project, books).  I am a super fan from back in the Stand By Me days and a later in life initiated trekkie.  So there are dozens of reasons why I fan girl over Wil Wheaton.  There is only one reason I stop breathing when I see him at a con.  Wil Wheaton is a pers

I am thankful for my amazing boyfriend. I am thankful for plans with my brother and sister I am thankful for so many days with so many spoons. I am thankful for my great job where I get to do work I love. I am thankful for coworkers noticing what I do. I am thankful for coworkers that make huge impacts. I am thankful for EEG even though it's like torture. I am thankful for doctors that train people well. I am thankful for date nights. I am thankful for amazing far away friend chats.

I am thankful for my brother and sister-in-law. I am thankful for full time hours I am thankful for amazing coworkers. I am thankful for a sister and boyfriend that get that I am trying, she is trying and he is trying. I am thankful for my nephews and neice. I am thankful for football. I am thankful for plans with my sister,  no matter how inconsistent they seem to be. I am thankful for ice packs, for hot packs and for medications. I am thankful for pikes place chowder, crab Rangoon and pizza that tastes like new york. I am thankful for good books and great tv. I am thankful for my bestie doing amazing awesome things she loves. I am thankful for my other bestie making plans

For a long time I contained some harsh feelings towards Sansa stark. I am the middle child, peace keeper among many siblings.  There is nothing more important to me than the survival and happiness of my siblings. I expect others to hold their family is similar regards (unless great harm has been done). As such, Sansa has had some less than acceptable behavior especially towards her little sister. Yet, I find Sansa as she has grown up (in the books and tv show) to be a fitspiration. To many people it seems that healthy only applies to the physically strong.  Reality is that physical strength is not the end all be all of health. A healthy woman is not just the sister that can fight with the sword  or scheme her way to power. A healthy person can recognize their strengths,  manage their emotions,  admit their flaws and overcome barriers to take care of themselves. Sansa becomes a strong and healthy person through her growth in the series. Sansa is an inspiration to be the kind of person

I am thankful for making plans for the future. I am thankful for a relief from depression I am thankful for my amazing boyfriend I am thankful for Taco Tuesday I am thankful for my great Co workers giving me coverage when I needed it. I am thankful for the support I received on a hard day at work. I am thankful for an understanding sister and boyfriend who are working together with me for a better fiscal tomorrow. I am thankful for beautiful sunrises. I am thankful for my besties. I have truly been given a gift in brad, angelica and jenn. Our friendships do not look similar in many ways and I need each aspect and the support they provide separately and together. I am thankful for h&m blazers and cute lipstick.

I am thankful for my niece and her whole year on this earth. I enjoyed all the firsts I get with her and can't wait for many more As per usual,  I am thankful for my sister. I am thankful for the man I live with helping me out so much. I am thankful for my besties, near and far and all the support they give. I am thankful for Seattle,  even with the heat. I am thankful for my work and that it is noticed. I am thankful for my doctor finally doing everything right. I am thankful for a full schedule. I am thankful for awesome coworkers and great environment to come to. I am thankful for the funny and kind bus driver I had the last few days. I am thankful for my friend Amber and her being on this earth another year. She is a blessing in my life and I hope she has a wonderful birthday to be thankful for.

I know I haven't written one of these in a while. I was struggling to feel inspired for a while. I also am aware it is not Friday.  I spent the day exploring NYC yesterday and got a little distracted. My inspiration is Shiloh.  I heard stories about him as I grew up, but my immediate family didn't have any real connection to him until recently. (You can hate a lot about Facebook,  but it's amazing way to communicate with distant family.) Shiloh was sick for a long time. Yet, he remained positive.  He passed that positivity to me in my struggles with my health. I will be carrying his hope and good nature with me through the future. Making a change towards inputting that into my daily life is the best thing I can do to remember him and be a healthier person.

I'm skipping pride this year. Scheduling didn't work out for Seattle and the New York trip. Technically,  I am in New York for NYC  pride. However,  I am with a family of small children and pride rallies are not easy for small children. I have no doubt about this decision.  However,  I love pride. I love any celebration of self and community. It's amazing to get this moment to celebrate and mourn in such a big way. With no pride celebration for me this yesr, I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you. I am thankful for all of the people currently fighting for equality world wide. I am thankful for all of those that have sacrificed for the steps we have taken.  If you can, get out and dance with the parades. I will work a extra hard to vocalize my pride this year.

I am thankful for sweet strangers that treat me like family. I am thankful for my friends and family continued prayers and concerns I am thankful for people that hug me when I start screaming crying mid sentence. I am thankful for the year I had communicating with Shiloh on a regular basis. I am thankful for my family and planning dinner with them. I am thankful for the evil little monsters in my life (sorry,  that should read my nephews and neice). I am thankful for New York pizza. I am thankful for ice packs and knee braces. I am thankful for everyone on the #sickgirlproblems hashtag.

I shouted at the screen quickly followed by "God damn Lundqvist." I am feeling the best I have all month.  I am really enjoying the game. My kings beat my bestie's Rangers while I'm in New York for the first time. Stanley Cup Champs! This is how to live. Then my leg kicks off the table of its own will. I shall continue to say I'm dancing with abandon. though I'm spasming constantly.  I had a horrifying headache that wouldn't respond to medications. I had a supposedly simple procedure that turned into a several day ordeal.  However, I am in New York and arrived here by cross country road trip. Even with all of the challenges of the last year, I stay focused on my life long goals. My bucket list items are dropping like flies. I'm here and trying to enjoy myself. My bestie is working on not asking me every ten seconds if I am okay. She has gone 3 hours today, but that's because mom is here and the kids are showing off their intelligence every chan

I am thankful for my sister taking care of the finances so I can take time to cross things off my bucket list. I am thankful for my friends that don't get mad when I can't do things that would make life so much easier. I am thankful for my Switzer family and the extended Cullen family that are taking great care of me and allowing me to do things I otherwise could not. I am thankful I didn't die on the George Washington Bridge. I am thankful for sunrise in so many different places. I am thankful for the crying of children in the morning making it clear that my nieces and nephews are awake, are loved and cared for, and so spoiled they don't even know. I am thankful for a man that loves me and doesn't actually accept I have doubts as an answer. I am thankful for a sister that is a fish nerd. (Who knew there were historical fish hatcheries?) I am thankful for being able to email my doctor even though he doesn't seem to respond. I am thankful for driving acr

I'm thankful for understanding and helpful coworkers.  The kind that say "Wait, how did you get here? You aren't getting on a bus. Go home and rest." I'm thankful for the amazing Switzer family taking care of me when I need it most.  I'm so blessed to have my amazing Amber and Chris to help me out the last few days.  I would not have survived alone. I'm thankful for my mom, sister and besties checking in on me. I'm thankful for people that won't ever tell me that my health has scared them again. I'm thankful for a bestie that can joke about how silly her text message sounded when I was at the ER. I am thankful for Amber being able to joke about sitting at the ER while nurses are concerned I'm bleeding internally. I'm thankful Amber can be mad about people checking in too many times. I'm thankful for Chris trying to be calm while he's pissed off that I'm getting out of a chair. I'm thankful for the number of time

I mentioned before I have some amazing cousins that are very inspiring.  I am always stunned at the things my family members can do. I am blessed with having a gigantic family filled with talented folks. There are teachers, lawyers, scientists, football players, body builders, baseball players,missionaries, moms,  dads, stepdads, artists, cheerleaders, marines, submariners, and chefs in my generation alone. Not many can boast the inspiration I can from their family tree. I know some of my cousins don't believe they are as valuable as others because they don't have a fancy title. Yet, they inspire me to have fun and to keep working. Some of my cousins will never be as capable as others. They inspire me to have acceptance, openness, and passion. I am so blessed to have each one in my life. I don't get to spend the time I want to with my family; A portion of that is because a lot of my down time is my sick time so I don't schedule things. I want to be healthier just for

I am thankful for my work. I am thankful for being physically well enough to work today. I am thankful for supportive friends and family. I am thankful for my niece and nephews. I am thankful for Sam. I am thankful for people that grow and change in positive ways that inspire me. I am thankful for updates about where people are. I am thankful for my moms I am thankful for possibilities. I am thankful for Taco Tuesday and the shows it entails. I am thankful for friends that get and appreciate even my most awkward fandoms. I am thankful for skipbo. I am thankful for night vale and Peter Dinklage. I am thankful for my brother's growing life. I am thankful for cute coworkers with nice voices. (For nice voices)

I've disappeared for a few weeks (again).  It's because I was dealing with the real world consequences of being chronically ill and chronically poor. These are two things I link together so tightly I almost didn't put "and" in that sentence. I was being kept at a friend's house for a little over a week because I live alone and they were afraid I was going to die.  No one actually says that,  but the simple reality is that no one is saying, "Geeze you are kinda sick and gonna totes get better so please sleep on my couch." There were other reasons too; the simple life goes on when you're sick, birthdays and funerals. I haven't had hours at work which I'm thankful for because I couldn't conceivably go to work. I had a regular-person doctor's visit which turned into several "lets check if you have cancer" visits.  I don't. Yay for that. I removed one medication and added another. I'm having one medication taken aw

This week my inspiration comes from children. I've been really weak while dealing with the spasms that never go away. The most disappointing moment came when I had to put my niece down not because she wanted to crawl but because my arms were tired.  I also work with children in a locked psychiatric inpatient home. When you are trying to support someone through recovery, you need energy to spare them. Especially in an environment like the one I work in, getting your body to be physical is important to a strong lasting recovery. I want to be able to run with the children in my life. I want to move freely with them and celebrate their progress. My nephew monster loves a good dance party.  I don't want to turn him down because I don't have the energy. The children in my life constantly inspire me to be fit and healthier.

I am thankful that Tatay's Gift was funded I am thankful for the concern of friends. I am thankful to be on my way to work.  I am thankful for progressing goals I am thankful my niece continues to explore her world.  I am thankful for the announcement that George Takei will be the Grand Marshall at this year's Seattle Pride parade.  It is very exciting.  I am thankful for my fandoms and IGGPPC.  I am thankful for sound transit

I turned on teen wolf to see the mourning of a beloved character.  I said out loud to the no one I live with, "I can't do this. I just can't.  I need to fill my water bottles." I  spent the last couple days not doing several things.  I didn't do the love your body challenge.  I couldn't get myself to open my emails.  I don't have a good excuse for that; I don't have a good excuse for a lot. I also haven't done any exercise.  That I have a good excuse for. I mentioned before that my medications aren't regulating. That means I am experiencing a migraine for over 2 weeks. It's not horrible pain, but it is constant.  The real problem is that after the migraines go on for a while, I start to spasm a lot. My willpower against my depression drops with my every pain. The amount i care about what food i put in my body disappears. Yesterday, I couldn't get the spasms to stop or slow down. I went from bed to couch as many times as my legs would c

I decided to do a workout yesterday. This one: I'm not even 30. So it's pretty easy to look at this DVD as a failure. My body has failed me to the point that I can't do a "real" workout. That's something I struggle with a lot. If I can't do a half hour of cardiovascular workout I ask myself what's the point? A friend said the other day that my hand weights were too light to count. I said no, they count. Yet, the thought keeps creeping in.  I spent 3 days with a migraine and muscle spasms. It slowed down quite a bit, but after 3 days of spasms I am really sore. Also, because the pain isn't completely gone I am afraid of getting up and making things worse.  I decided to do my old lady workout and test my body. I felt stupid and called myself names. I considered stopping the video and doing something more "real" at least using a heavier weight since mine didn't count. I didn't.   At the end of the video I sat down with an i

There are a lot of people I want to get to know. I want to know more about my grandparents and family history.  I want to know more about my cousins and what they love.  I want to know my niece and nephews more (As they are under the age of five, there is a lot to discover Like how they pronounce my name. )  I also want to know more about Jane Austen, because I haven't read every thing ever written about her.  I want to know more about DBT and neuropsychology.  I want to know more about Dorothy Gale and the Wicked Witch of the West. I want to know more about Sam and Dean Winchester.  I want to know about Captain Kirk.  I want to know about me. Life is a wonderful journey of self discovery, and there is always more to know about how far I can go, how many tv shows I can watch, how much I can lift, how fast I can move, how many people I can help, how many books I can read and how many concerts I can dance at.  There is so much to learn and I'd like to celebrate all of me.  Being

I am thankful for a lot less pain today than the last couple days. (I'm hopeful for a workout.) I am thankful for a little niece trying to walk even though she just started to crawl. I am thankful for a gorgeous first day of spring.  I am thankful for all the wonderful women in my life. I am thankful for a doctors appointment.  I am thankful for smores. I am not eating them, but I have a plan in the future. Smores are so good. I think I'll make easter smores out of peeps for my nephews.  I am thankful for talks with my best friend I am thankful for debate tournaments always having one inspiring moment. (A girl gave a speech about caring, self esteem and being better. Her teammates came to watch and left when she finished. I glimpsed her at least two month old self harm scars when she adjusted a sleeve. Lovely moment) I am thankful for kids allowing me the privilege of helping tthem clean and playing along with my jokes. They make a choice to trust me at work, and I am

I am super thankful for my family today.  My uncle has gone out of his way to help me join up with family,  again. I get to see an aunt I haven't seen in almost 15 years. I get in person sister time thanks to my father. I get to spend time with grandparents.  Thankful for every moment I get worth them. The Woodards have released some extra peeks at Tatay's Gift. This week was a week of birthdays.  (My mom, my baby brother and oldest friend all have the same birthday.) I am thankful for the distinct pleasure of celebrating their existence in my life. I am thankful for the #LoveyourBodyChallenge and #IggleFit30DayChallenge both letting me celebrate what my body can do.

I began participating in Molly Galbraith's love your body challenge.  It's been truely wonderful to spend some time focusing on the good my body does.  It is pretty easy when I'm being sick to focus on the bad. It's very easy to be mad at and to hate my body.  The reality is that my hormones (depression and migraines) were being regulated by some pills.  I've come to face the reality that my body doesn't accept birthcontrol as an answer to these problems very long.  For the 3rd birthcontrol in a row I noticed that I hit a certain point and I can no longer depend on regulation.  It isn't the end of the world, but it makes reality, positivity, and thankfulness more difficult to find. I've been in pain more days than not recently.  I find myself unsure of the last full day I went without any pain in my knees, lungs, or head.  I'm hopeful to find more soon.  I've been doing great work with the mantras from the Love Your Body Challenge. I'm fi

I am inspired by a lot of people. I think the most inspiring are my cousins. I know, I am so bragging. I will continue to brag for weeks! I will begin with the Woodards. Check out Tatay's Gift . I don't have to go any further. I want to be a fit healthy person so that I can be creative and give from myself to others. Tatay's gift is the perfect example of that. This article shows the amazing (and may I add adorable) the Woodard clan. Do take note of some of the previously awesome and stunning projects. While being creative is one of the things I can do no matter how bad my illnesses get, it's definitely easier and more consistent when I am well. The hope of creating this kind of amazing and inspiring work is why I want to fit and healthy. Continue to follow Krystal and Brad's fabulous work here to be equally inspired. Btw, become part of the kickstarter. You know you want to.

I am thankful for my father. He keeps stepping up his dad game, which honestly throws me off a bit. It's kinda great. I am thankful for my sister.  Always. Best thing. I am thankful for my best friend Brad. I am thankful for work. I love supporting those kids, even when they say they don't like me. I am thankful for the days, minutes and moments where I feel in control of my depression. I am thankful for my coworker Jason.  He really made my day. He remembers when I have to leave and takes note of the good I am doing. He tells other people. Basically, he is my favorite (which is hella hard to do because we have an awesome staff.)

I often have a difficult time with the fitspo hash tag.  Many of the bodies and activities shown are beyond my reach.  They do not become my health. Yet, I like the idea of collecting visions for motivation and I am often inspired by the actions of others. There are many people that help me desire a fit lifestyle. I will collect these visions and share them here.

It's been a difficult week. Rough days at work, canceled plans, and migraine days. I honestly have the hardest time being thankful and okay when spending several days sitting in the dark doing almost nothing. Yet, I still have a lot to be thankful for. Thankful for fandoms, the one thing I can do is watch my shows and experience the joy. Thankful for Pinterest.  I found some simple activities and distraction. Thankful for meditation,  which is always able to get me back to where I want to be. Thankful for my sister,  always able to hear me out. Thankful for minimal spasms and tremors during these last few days. I was able to do some dishes, get a little sleep, and pick up.

I am super thankful for medications.  I've had a week without my qvar. It's just been difficult to get that full breath. Today I got a refill thanks to my mom. I'm just so pleased. I am thankful for my family taking care of me. I am thankful for good movies and good friends. I am thankful for walking. It is hurting really bad because I've asked my knee to do many hills, but I still really enjoy walking. I am super thankful for being able to binge watch house of cards before spoilers got all cray.

I've spent most of January being sick.  On a scale that goes to how sick I can get, I was pretty okay. The problem is that expanding this sickness into February I am getting worse and concerned.    I had to call in sick for work yesterday.  I haven't had insurance since August. That can be a little bit of a struggle.  Luckily thanks to Affordable Care Act, that has changes.  I'll be able to go to the doctor, replace some of my breathing medications. I'm hoping that means that I'll get better. I'd like to feel one hundred percent. Even though being one hundred percent for me isn't without pain or depression, it's a lot better than the last month and a half. I'm very tired.  Going through my usual bouts of migraines and depression is very difficult when I'm already worn down. I am hoping to be well for work on my next scheduled shift I have a splurge worthy feel awesome day planned with some of my favorite things. (I'll stand in line. I'l

I broke a coffee cup.  It was a stunning break.  I was quite sad to see it; it was a favorite cup.  The cup was giant but didn't let things get too cold,  bright and didn't burn my hands after being in the microwave.  The cup was also a gift from a friend I no longer see.  So, losing the cup was a sadness. Yet, when I told my sister, she was proud of that one broken dish. (As am I, thus the phone call.)  I do tracking for my health everyday. I track my pain, my pills, my exercise.  Recently my tracking says I'm sick a lot.  It shows I'm not mediating or exercising like I want.  However,  the takings doesn't show that I hadn't broken a dish in months.  I prep food before migraine days and wash dishes often enough that I don't need to clean while sick. While living on my own before I broke dishes so regularly I didn't notice until an entire set was gone.  I may miss my goals, but I notice when I break dishes now.  That's good enough for me today.

I have no good excuses for not being here. I just couldn't quite complete this.  The last few months were difficult. I struggled with getting a job and in the process I struggled with understanding myself. For the last several years, I was an Antioch Student and an Alere Wellbeing Quit Coach. Many of my besties still work there. I am finished with school.  I've always prided myself on getting things done. The year 2013 was the least productive and successful year of my entire life. I didn't really lose the weight or make the changes I wanted to. Spending the last few months mostly with myself means that I had to pay attention to why things didn't work for me. So, now I'll let you know. I have no excuses. Reasons explain, but they do not excuse my failures  This blog wasn't a priority. Any time I had a "reason" it became true. Then, I didn't want to come back. I decided that my nutritionist wasn't right about what my weight loss goals shoul